GOSSIP, INNUENDO & INVESTIGATION

Your dear Uncle Gipper has taken a lot of flak over the last week from certain subjects in the Campus Watch eye. So this week the Gipp is toning down his attacks and heading under the lakes on the quad for a look at the secrets below the surface.

SPELUNKING WITH THE GIPPER

The Gipper knows what all his little Watchers are thinking: "Steam tunnels! Oh boy!" The unfortunate truth about the tunnels is that they are poorly lit, dusty and hot. The most entertaining part about them is the stenciled sign on the wall saying, "Danger! This passage is secured at the other ends. [Which, of course, was wrong.] In order to enhance the security of all buildings no students are allowed to enter. Students found in violation will be subject to disciplinary action." The note was signed by some past administrator. Given the number of administrators wandering the steam tunnels, the Gipp was left trembling*.

More curious was something one of the Gipper's Campus Watchers discovered while wandering aimlessly around Nieuwland, which science people are wont to do. In the basement, behind two glass security doors, and past a "Computer Room" sign, there is an antiseptic room filled with absolutely no computers. The room has lots of shelving, lots of empty nooks and a mysterious red light hanging from the ceiling.

Were the computers abducted? The Gipp appeals to his Junior Campus Watchers to explain this room.

THE GIPP REFLECTS ON JPW

The Gipp was lucky enough to work the meals this past Junior Parents Weekend, that special time in one's college career when parents and children pretend to like one another for 72 hours. Even though the event took place almost a week ago, three items are worth noting anyway.

To Patricia O'Hara: just because no one claps doesn't necessarily mean you're unpopular on campus, but it might.

To University Food Services: chicken with plum sauce for dinner, chicken crepes for breakfast. UFS is not fooling anyone with this or the Cheez-E sauce on top of it.

To the sophomores: turn your checks in early. Three families sit at each JPW table. The tables are numbered from one (right in front of the table of honored guests) to 425,569 (right behind the compost pile). As the checks to pay for the event arrive, they are numbered. The table with the lowest average goes first, and the highest goes on top of the ice rink (the Gipp is not kidding.)

THE LEADERS OF THE FUTURE

In case any of you Junior Campus Watchers were wondering why there were business majors kneeling in front of the ATM in LaFortune last Thursday, your eye from the sky has the answer. Ernst & Young hired a firm from California to host an ice-breaker/scavenger hunt for our budding number-crunchers. To help out these business majors with the reading and telephone operation required for the event, an E&Y accountant joined each group.

The Gipp heard that a lot of the groups were disqualified for not following directions. The Gipp hopes these Domers will be working as surgeons and nuclear power plants technicians in the future.

WORDS TO REMEMBER

"We ain't getting punked by no one."

-- DePaul's Tom Kleinschmidt

Excuse the Gipp for nitpicking, but the Gipp isn't certain what it means to be "punked." He'd be happier knowing that he isn't getting punked by anyone either.

As a side note, the Gipp really enjoyed watching DePaul's cheerleaders. Two of their male cheerleaders, one holding the other upside-down with a basketball between his legs, walked across the court and dunked the basketball. This stunt made the Notre Dame rah-rahs look as energetic as a slime mold.

THE ALLEGRO MYSTERY

The Gipp likes nothing more than a hot cup of coffee to keep himself awake. The Gipp also likes to drink coffee when he's listening to the folks play at Acoustic Cafe (it gives him that beatnik feeling so common here at Notre Dame). He doubts that these are unfamiliar times for one to drink coffee. This is why the Gipp is baffled at the hours that Allegro keeps. What other coffee shop closes at 10 p.m. on weekdays? Ten o'clock is just when college students are getting started with their work. Maybe the folks in the Dome think that caffeine after 10 p.m. encourages students to stay awake past parietals, when all sin occurs.

HOW TO HOOK UP WITH THE GIPP

The Gipp apologizes for writing about computers two weeks in a row, but he is quite excited about a new way to connect with him. Taking his cue from the student body president and vice president elect, he has decided to go worldwide (more or less) with his column with the help of the Scholastic systems manager.

Next time you've need to kill a couple hours, look for the Gipper On-Line on Mosaic under the Notre Dame Home Page, under "Links, Links, Links" under "Just Plain Cool Stuff" under "The Orange Room" under "The Toy Box." The Gipp is thankful for this easy-to-find location.

Keep the suggestions flowing, my little campus eyeballs. Next week the Gipp will be back with all his maliciousness when he teaches a new trick to try in the 'Brare. Until then, chat with your rector, drink nectar with a specter, don't be a defector, then drop one in the Gipp's sector.

FILL THE GIPP'S BOX!

Now with six easy-to-use formats!