Make resolutions you don't mind breaking
Dazed and Amused
New year, new disappointments.
It's January again. The time when we willingly make New Year's Resolutions that we know we can't keep, setting ourselves up for failure and depression.
Personally, I have a very difficult time accepting failure, so I'm making resolutions that will actually cause me happiness if I break them. I plan to weaken my faith life, drink more, start smoking, eat babies and gain weight (babies have a wicked caloric count).
I would also like to fail out of school and live off my Enron stock.
So, I'm set, but others still might be having trouble deciding on their resolutions. Of course, not everyone is like me, and some actually think that their attempts to improve themselves will not end in abject failure. For those people, I've provided some slightly more realistic resolutions. However, I think they have as much of a chance of keeping these goals as I do of finding my AbSlide underneath my pile of Dorritos and Dorritos Schnapps. Enjoy.
First off, let's talk about airport security personnel. Your resolution is to stop searching me and all my bags at every possible check point at every airport ever. These supposedly "random" security checks are obviously just completely discriminatory practices against pale, timid girls from Texas who really enjoy Fear Factor. Every time I travel, despite my T-shirt that says "I am not a terrorist. I promise. Please don't search me," I get everything searched, from my CD case to my make-up bag.
On the last such occasion, Rufus, who broke his 1991 resolution to graduate from high school, asked me absurd questions like "Where did you get this toothbrush?" "Has your lipstick been with you at all times?" and "Are you the white ninja?" I finally convinced him that my Clinique bag and I were not in fact threats to freedom and democracy itself, but I was still imprisoned for my apparently terrible taste in music. In short, airport security people must resolve to leave me alone.
Next, there are these girls watching Making the Band in Lafortune as I write this column. They know the names of everyone in O-Town and are singing along. I guess they're freshmen but they look and act like high schoolers. One of them keeps staring at me. Their resolution is to be less terrible.
The film industry. The film industry must in the new year stop parodying "The Matrix" immediately. Cute the first time, not so much the next five times. Now there are cows imitating that scene and — no, just stop.
Ok, after watching this show for a while I've determined that O-Town must resolve to cease existence. It's all about Justin Timberlake.
I'm almost done with my ranting, but just a few more suggestions: Jay Leno, if he must continue to be on the air, has to at least trim his horrible monologue to under 30 minutes. Pop-up adds must stop being larger than the actual internet page and must stop advertising cameras that allow you to spy on your random attractive nude female neighbor. Finally, progress must be made on whatever it is going on in front of Stonehenge before I graduate.
But at least I'm not judgmental. I seriously doubt any of my suggestions will be taken seriously, once again proving my theory that people should purposely make horrible resolutions like torturing kittens and joining the Republican party. But, you might not all agree with me, so while I'm out buying cigs and babies, you should think about what you need to do to improve yourself this new year. And remember, it doesn't matter what it is, as long as it involves sending large amounts of money to your favorite columnist named Amy Schill.
Amy Schill is a junior English major. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily the Observer.
All Viewpoint Stories for Monday, January 21, 2002