A presidential toast to Clinton
Mary Beth Ellis
FOR THE PRESIDENT CLINTON DRINKING GAME YOU WILL NEED:
—Footage of President Clinton going about his daily business of lying before God and man.
—At least 45 minutes of post-analysis involving Peter Jennings if the footage involves a full-blown Presidential address.
—Any beverage. Try Powerade Mountain Blast. It's a most interesting shade of blue.
HOW TO PLAY: Drink the specified amount for each phrase or visual cue. If, by the end of the appearance, Clinton is still the President, everybody loses. May be played alone or with other dejected taxpayers.
DRINKING CONDITIONS, PART ONE: Bill About Town
If the President ...
—Bites his lower lip: Take one sip
—Gives the thumbs-up: One sip (pound the rest of your drink if they're done together)
—Is surrounded by array of token minorities: Two sips
—Smirks: One sip
—Refers to Al Gore as "my apprentice": Three sips
—Has Hillary present: One sip
—Has Chelsea present: Two sips
—Has Buddy, the dog, present: Pound your drink (The more family members present, the more trouble he's in)
—Is wearing a yarmulke: Three sips
—Congratulates Brandy Chastain on "having an integral role in the Women's World Cup win, and also a bodacious set of ta-tas": Two sips
—Assumes frowny expression in order to denote seriousness of topic at hand: One sip
—Vehemently denies wrongdoing: No drink, this is hardly out of the ordinary
—Manages to look as if he cares — really cares — about the plight of East Timorese refugees: Two sips
—Has actually heard of East Timor before they had refugees: Pound
—Appoints Shania Twain as new ambassador to Malta: One sip
—Is wearing that ridiculous tie with the pictures of children's faces all over it: One sip (Two if it is later discovered that Monica Lewinsky gave it to him)
—Seems to have developed some sort of foreign policy: Pound
—Begins charging the press $850 per question: Two sips
—Uses the expression "our children": One sip
—Uses the expression "our children" in reference to the percentage of the population who, genetically, really are his children: Pound
—Resigns: Keg stand
—Issues an apology to ... one or more people: One sip per person (two sips if the person is the plaintiff in a civil law suit); the entire nation: Two sips; or a foreign nation: Three sips
—Attempts to define oral sex: Two sips
—Is receiving oral sex: Two sips, renounce citizenship
—Announces a bombing raid on an apparently made-up nation: One sip
—Fires someone at random: Two sips
—Is standing around with a bunch of other white guys in suits: One sip
—Quotes Martin Luther King: Two sips
—Quotes Billy Jean King: Three sips
—Quotes Billy Ray Cyrus: Pound
—Looks puffy: One sip
—Accepts responsibility for his actions: Cease play immediately. You are hallucinating.
PART TWO (WACO LIGHTNING ROUND): A PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS
—The address has been corporately sponsored in exchange for a donation to his Legal Defense Fund, as in "The Poulan Weedeater Presidential Address": Three sips
—The corporate sponsor's logo is superimposed over the Presidential seal: Two sips
—There's a Victoria's Secret catalogue on the Presidential desk: Two sips
—If it's the "Biggest Sale Ever" issue: Three sips
—The President is subpoenaed mid-sentence: One sip
PART THREE: DOWN TIME WITH PETER
—If the media has deemed the address important enough to warrant analysis in order to make sure we know what to think about what the President just said: Two sips
—ABC uses scary drum music to introduce Peter Jennings: One sip
—The address is given a title, such as "The President's Bimbo Empire Strikes Back": One sip
—The address is given a title AND its own graphic: Two sips, three sips if the graphic involves the President wearing his frowny expression
—Peter says "about" in his pansy Canadian accent: One sip
—Peter turns to Sam Donaldson for additional analysis: Two sips
—Sam's hair looks as if it has been styled with a compound of crude oil and Velveeta cheese: One sip
—Peter says, "Sam, do you really think anyone's buying this poop?": Pound
—Peter goes to a pollster who announces that Clinton's approval ratings have gone up to 98 percent since the address, thereby illustrating that the President's poop has indeed been bought: No drink
—Peter encourages us to stay tuned for "a special Nightline featuring Tyne Daley and George Stepanopolis": Two sips
—You actually do: Kill self
Mary Beth Ellis, a 1999 graduate of Saint Mary's College, is currently serving time in the state penitentiary for excessive celebration after a touchdown. Her column appears every other Tuesday.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Viewpoint Stories for Tuesday, September 14, 1999