Some suggested Notre Dame stocking stuffers
The holidays are upon us. Hanukkah began on Saturday. Christmas is less than three weeks away. Kwanzaa follows immediately afterward.
Because of this, I have made a list of what I think people relating to Notre Dame need and what anyone close to these people might give them in this season of overwrought commercialism.
First on the list is the senior class. I think that they deserve a beer. They have put up with the overbearing administration, self-absorbed professors and the massive amounts of schoolwork for 28 of the last 40 months of their lives. Enjoy your last five months of collegiate life. Now, mind you, I said A beer. Be careful that you don't mess up your exams and your classes next semester to the point that you must return next school year in the cold, hard light of day and face the same people that you blew off in the previous semester.
Second on the list is every other student. You get a pair of horse blinders to be worn during study days so that you cannot see the good time that the seniors are having. You have more time to recover from a bad set of exams, but slacking off is like eating potato chips: you don't even notice that you are doing it until you have demolished three bags and feel absolutely ill.
Third on my list is self-proclaimed "Coach D" and our revitalized basketball team. You get videotape of your win over Ohio State. For a brief moment, you brought Notre Dame basketball back to where it was in the early Digger Phelps era. We know that you are capable of playing up to the level of your opponents. The question is, will you let your last four losses against good teams effect the way that you handle what should be a relatively easy non-conference schedule?
Fourth on the list the other Coach whose name begins with a D. Sorry, but you get another head coaching job somewhere else, maybe at Akron. There was recently a quote from Ara Parseghian in a Notre Dame football weekly that told of his 14 years of head-coaching experience prior to assuming the reins at Notre Dame. He said that he, "needed every minute of it." The last completely inexperienced coach that we had was Gerry Faust. He went 7-4 with Tim Brown, Allen Pinkett and Steve Beuerlein. I wonder if you had that kind of talent, that you might have done better. Coach, you didn't have the experience to take such a visible position. Sorry.
That brings me to the fifth recipient on my gift list: Athletic Director Mike Wadsworth. I think that I would like to get you a metal plate to weld to your mouth. Between refusing to go to a lower-tier bowl years ago, annoying the Bowl alliance with unreasonable demands and making unacceptable excuses for this year's team, every time that you are quoted in the media you make the school look bad. I have heard of your comments during the Boston College game that indicated that we might turn down a bowl game that someone might pity us and throw our way. That, coupled with the cop-out excuse after the loss to Stanford that rightfully brought out the worst in a Chicago Sun-Times columnist serve to only further the public impression of Notre Dame as a bunch of elitist jerks.
The sixth day of Christmas brings me to Fr. Malloy and the rest of the intolerencia. Unlike the underclassman's blinders, you need one of those laser-corrective eye surgery appointments so that you might see more clearly that giving someone the right to present their views in an independent publication will not bring about massive homosexual orgies on the quads. It will also not bring about the end of Notre Dame's Catholic character to engage in discussion with people who do not agree with you.
Finally, for myself I think that I will buy one of those "Ocean Sounds" relaxation tapes that I see advertised on late-night television. After having read over the last few entries onto my list, I think that I need it.
Well, that's it. Happy Holidays. Try not to stress too hard on exams and be safe until you return in January.
Matthew Loughran is a MALA candidate at St. John's College in Annapolis, Md. who has not yet done any Christmas shopping and wonders if he will actually get around to it this year.
All Viewpoint Stories for Wednesday, December 8, 1999