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The Funny Firm - Thursday
11/2/06
TV
legend Bob Barker has decided to leave "The Price is Right" at the end of the
current season. Barker has hosted the show for 35 years. Bob's last show will
air in May 2007. Producers say they will look for a replacement.
*Not too many game show hosts will want the job, rumor has it that before taking
over the show they’ll have to be spayed or neutered. (Paul
Dudley)
In an Associated Press interview, Bob Barker joked that he’ll be
83 years old on December 12th and he has decided to retire while he’s still
young. *Ironically, at CBS, 83 is still young. (Paul
Dudley)
New York taxi rates will increase from twenty to forty cents a
minute for idle time spent in traffic. *And the "pickup rejection" symbol
will increase from one middle finger to two. (Bob Mills)
On-field
violence this season is highlighting NFL pileups that are often referred to as
"torture chambers." *On a more positive note, several engagements have
resulted. (Bob Mills)
Officials in Bangladore, India have renamed the
city "Bengaluru." *Which barely edged out "Googleville" and "Toshiba
Laptopuru." (Bob Mills)
Domino's Pizza drivers in Florida have
formed a union. *Their motto is "Pizza delivery in three days or less,
guaranteed. Unless it's a holiday or after hours." (Jim
Barach)
Starbuck's coffee has gone up a nickel. *That represents the
company's cost of brewing the latte they charge $3 for. (Jim
Barach)
J.D. Power and Associates says the most appealing car is the
Porsche Cayman. *Of course it's the most appealing. You can't afford it.
(Jim Barach)
Chrysler says it will cut production by 24%. *Chairman
Dieter Zetsche says the reason for the downturn is those stupid commercials
starring Dieter Zetsche. (Jim Barach)
President Bush is out on the
campaign trail. The supermarket tabloids say he's drinking again and that Laura
has left him over an affair. *He's doing everything he can to get his poll
numbers up. (Argus Hamilton)
Congress sent the Mexico border fence
bill to the White House where it was signed. The bill provides for Internet
cameras that allow anyone to watch the border for illegal immigrants. *A year
from now if they jump over one particular fence, everybody in America gets a
free taco from Taco Bell. (Argus Hamilton)
Last week New Scientist
reported on a condition called sexsomnia where people demand sex while they are
asleep. Sexsomnia isn't really a problem in this country. *With everybody
working eighteen hours a day it's the only thing saving the species. (Argus
Hamilton)
Supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested in London for assaulting
an immigration agent after having previously physically attacked six maids. It's
no secret why she's so cranky. *If she gets any skinnier, Madonna's going to
adopt her. (Argus Hamilton)
The Funny Firm - Wednesday
11/1/06
Last
night the City of West Hollywood, California held their annual Halloween Costume
Carnaval. Streets were blocked off by police and people wandered around
dressed as drag queens, transvestites, hookers and leather-clad bikers.
*It’s pretty much like any other night in West Hollywood but the street are
blocked off. (Mark Wheeler)
MySpace.com has licensed a new
technology to block users from posting copyrighted music on its site. The social
networking website has had problems with users downloading music or videos that
are copyrighted. MySpace has more than 90 million active users. *MySpace
users shouldn’t have too much concern for the new technology, after all, a good
portion of them already have electronic monitoring devices on their
ankles. (Rick Fancy)
Residents of the Big Apple apparently have
little desire to see rapper Kevin Federline in concert. The "New York Post's"
"Page Six" reports that so tickets have been sold for his Saturday night show at
the city's Webster Hall, it may be cancelled. *Tickets to the show were 20
dollars…not sure if you pay him or if he pays you. (Paul
Dudley)
Oprah Winfrey interviewed Madonna in a classic meeting of world
class attention-getters. Madonna has met her match. *Before the show began,
Oprah Winfrey walked onstage and gave everybody in the studio audience a baby
from Africa. (Argus Hamilton)
Kansas City Chiefs players performed
simulated sex with women at a Passion Party in a hotel on the road recently. It
was a Tupperware party for sex toys. *The coach didn't buy the players' excuse
that they were just trying to help others the United Way. (Argus
Hamilton)
Mens magazine Maxim will open a chain of steakhouses offering
"sexy and sophisticated lighter fare." *The desserts are displayed on the
menu's centerfold. (Bob Mills)
Filthy airplanes are becoming the
norm as major air carriers outsource routine cleaning to the lowest
bidders. *Passengers on Delta are now issued a pillow, a blanket and a
Dirt Devil. (Bob Mills)
A new study shows that an average driver
could save $396 per year on gasoline expenses by losing 100 pounds. *Researchers
studied Mafia drivers with and without a body in the trunk. (Bob
Mills)
The first penis transplant was recently performed in China.
*Apparently, when they ask if you want to be an organ donor in China, they mean
an organ donor. (Jim Barach)
Shaquille O'Neal has started the
O'Neal Group, a real estate venture developing 1,100 residential units in Miami.
They’re the ones with eight foot high doorways. (Jim Barach)
Omaha
Steaks is selling frozen meat at airports to take on the planes. *By the time
customers get through security and airline delays, the steaks are thawed and
ready to eat. (Jim Barach)
Auto industry experts are talking about
the possibility of an alliance between Ford and GM. *The merger would combine
the bad mileage of GM along with the overall poor quality of Ford. (Jim
Barach)
Pan Am employees were finally paid their back wages, after
waiting fifteen years. *Employees said if they were any more late they would
have sworn it was United. (Jim Barach)
The Funny Firm
- Tuesday
10/31/06
A
new study by Morgan Quitno Press says St. Louis is the most dangerous city in
the United States. The city of Detroit came in second. *Detroit just
can‘t seem to win. First they lose the World Series to St. Louis, now
this. (Paul Dudley)
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are planning to get
married next month. Security will be unbelievably tight. *They just
can’t take any chances…the last thing they want is to have Madonna show up and
try and adopt their newborn. (Rick Fancy)
San Diego Chargers
superstar linebacker Shawne Merriman was suspended for four games by the
commissioner after he flunked a blood test. He violated the National Football
League's steroid policy. *He didn't bring enough for everybody. (Argus
Hamilton)
Ford Motors reported a third-quarter loss of almost six billion
dollars last week. It's more bad news for Michigan autoworkers. *You knew the
town was hurting last month when the Detroit Tigers gave away soup and bread on
Fan Appreciation Day. (Argus Hamilton)
Madonna's upcoming NBC
concert was edited to exclude the number where she is strapped to a cross.
Sometimes Hollywood does the right thing. *The cross is mirrored like a
disco ball and the network doesn't want to appear to be promoting cocaine use.
(Argus Hamilton)
A threatened tourism boycott of South Dakota over a
strict anti-abortion bill has apparently had little effect. *This past summer
South Dakota saw as many as three tourists. (Jim Barach)
Southwestern
Indian tribes are suing to block a plan to allow expansion of an Arizona ski
resort. *They claim it desecrates sacred land, which should only be used for
religious rites and casinos. (Jim Barach)
The Rancho Palos Verdes
city council approved an illegal 70' high flagpole at Trump National Golf
Course. *The flagpole will have a giant wind sock that Trump can use to estimate
the direction his comb-over will be flapping. (Jim Barach)
Ford is
cutting its number of car dealers. *Ford realized there was a problem when they
had more dealers than customers. (Jim Barach)
Country singer Keith
Urban, new husband of Nicole Kidman, checked himself into alcohol rehab and is
continuing his treatment. *If you were constantly being compared to Tom Cruise,
you'd drink too. (Bob Mills)
Wesley Snipes has been located in
Namibia. *Working on his new movie "Everything You Always Wanted to Know
About Tax Avoidance But Were Afraid to Ask." (Bob Mills)
A visitor
at Crater of Diamonds State Park in Murfreesboro, Arkansas found a 5.47 caret
diamond. *It was on the finger of another visitor, but still... (Bob
Mills)
The Funny Firm - Monday
10/30/06
The
last Ford Taurus was produced last week in Atlanta. Ford Motor Company is
closing the production facility in the city an ending production of the vehicle
as part of its restructuring plan. The Taurus was Ford's top-selling vehicle in
1987. *Clearly the American public won't have the Taurus to push around
anymore. (Mark Wheeler)
The "L.A. Times" reports that rapper Snoop Dogg
has been charged with suspicion of being a felon in possession of a gun and of
transporting marijuana at Bob Hope Airport in Burbank. Last month, Snoop
was arrested at John Wayne Airport in California. *Maybe Snoop should fly
out of an airport with a bit more of a laid back attitude, like Bob Marley
International. (Paul Dudley)
The University of Wisconsin has sued
Iowa's Waukie High School over their use of the letter "W" as a logo.
*According to reliable sources, Der Weinerschnitzel is next. (Bob
Mills)
NBC will excise the controversial crucifixion scene from Madonna's
televised concert from London. *They don't want to see anyone nailed to a
cross---- with the possible exception of Katie Couric. (Bob
Mills)
Haley Joel Osment has been sentenced on drunk driving and drug
possession charges. *"I see probation officers..." (Bob
Mills)
Federal officials say they are closing in on President Bush's goal
of processing immigration applications at a faster rate. *They have found they
can do up to fourteen at a time by opening trunks at the Mexico border.
(Jim Barach)
According to new research, U.S. doctors are reluctant to use
e-mail. *They can't get used to the idea of actually having people be able to
read their writing. (Jim Barach)
Research shows that Viagra worsens
sleep apnea, a breathing abnormality. *If you are using Viagra and it interferes
with your breathing, you are sleeping in an entirely incorrect position.
(Jim Barach)
A study shows that the Dutch are the world's tallest people,
with men measuring at just over six feet tall. *However, Americans are still the
tallest if you measure them around the waist. (Jim Barach)
Journal
Science says U.S. and British scientists successfully tested a cloak of
invisibility. It uses heat to bend light and create a mirage to cloak things
from the naked eye. *It's how mobsters and adulterers moved around freely in Las
Vegas for years. (Argus Hamilton)
The Supreme Court ruled to allow
Arizona to require voters to display a photo ID as required by a ballot measure
two years ago. It's a new strategy to combat illegal aliens. *The idea is to run
them out of film and lamination equipment. (Argus Hamilton)
San Diego
Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman was suspended for four games for using
steroids. The stuff fills you with rage. *Already this year he gave two
quarterbacks concussions and that was just with his car in the parking
lot. (Argus Hamilton)
The Funny Firm - Friday
10/27/06
Hotel
heiress and "Simple Life" star Paris Hilton is warning teens about the dangers
of drunk driving. "Us Weekly" reports that the 25-year-old, will appear on the
cover of December's "Seventeen" and inside the magazine warns, "All it takes is
one drink to mess with the way you drive….Don't take any chances." *She
says every teenager needs to follow one simple rule… “If they drink, make sure
and have a personal assistant call a driver and have a limo come pick them
up.” (Mark Wheeler)
A new video game will put players into the
world of William Shakespeare. Researchers at Indiana University have received a
240-thousand-dollar grant to create a game called "Arden" which will be
available to students next year. The game will give players the chance to "live"
history and talk to Shakespeare's famous characters. *Shakespeare themed
video games? This is clearly targeted at the video gamer who wants to be known
as both a nerd, and a geek. (Paul Dudley)
Move over Elvis, Nirvana
frontman Kurt Cobain is number one. Forbes.com has listed Cobain as the top
earning dead celebrity, beating out Elvis for the spot. The list shows Cobain
making 50-million-dollars a year, while number two Elvis checks in at
42-million. *That's very surprising; I would have bet the top earning dead
celebrity was Larry King. (Paul Dudley)
The FBI said the threat to blow
up NFL stadiums last Sunday was a hoax by two guys competing to think up the
scariest terror scenario. *What an idiotic contest. It's horrifying to realize
that Jackass Two was more inspiring than Flags of Our Fathers. (Argus
Hamilton)
Sir Paul McCartney registered his name as a trademark for use
on a clothing line and vegetarian foods. He really doesn't need to trademark
it. *No one's going to want to steal his name while it's being sued for
one billion dollars in alimony. (Argus Hamilton)
New York
prosecutors announced they won't prosecute John Gotti Junior a fourth time after
failing three previous times to convict him on racketeering charges. *The first
three trials ended in hung juries. That's enough casualties. (Argus
Hamilton)
Japan estimates there will be more than 28 thousand centarians
in their country this year. *They came up with the estimate by counting the
number of cars with their turn signals always on.
MIT is working to lower
the anxiety level of students who are applying. *While students stress out about
grades and tests, at least they don't have to worry about a social life getting
in the way.
Bill Gates has donated $68 million to fight tropical
diseases. *How about a couple of dollars to kill those viruses that keep getting
in my computer through my PC?
New cars and SUVs must have anti-rollover
technology by 2012. *It could save thousands of lives, but more importantly will
keep cars upright during accidents, preventing gas from spilling. (Jim
Barach)
Major League Baseball has licensed the Eternal Image Company to
produce caskets with team colors and logos. *Including the "Blue Crew Extra
Innings Capsule" that's shaped like a Dodger dog. (Bob Mills)
A
judge postponed the execution of an Ohio death row inmate on the grounds that
lethally injecting a person so obese would constitute cruel and unusual
punishment. *They may have to compromise and strap him to Kirstie Alley.
(Bob Mills)
The Funny Firm - Thursday
10/26/06
Supermodel
Naomi Campbell was arrested in London accused of assaulting her drug
counselor. The therapist made a complaint after she was "scratched all
over her face" by Naomi. A spokesman for the supermodel says he believes
it was all a "misunderstanding" *…apparently Naomi thought her drug
counselor was her housekeeper. (Mark Wheeler)
The parent company of
the 7-Eleven convenience store chain is telling its various outlets not to sell
a new high-energy drink called Cocaine. Company officials say they don’t
want to have any kind association with contraband. *They say if customers
want to purchase Cocaine, they’ll have to buy it in the 7-11 parking lot just
like everyone else. (Mark Wheeler)
Last year, the government spent
$87 million to transport convicted prisoners by air. *Worse still, the
cons were allowed to apply their frequent flier miles toward reduced
sentences. (Bob Mills)
A recent survey showed that 30-year old
women with graduate degrees stand a 75% chance of finding a husband. *100% if
they also own a major sports franchise. (Bob Mills)
The U.S.
population has reached 300,000,000. *300,000,001 if you count Madonna's new
kid. (Bob Mills)
The Wall Street Journal poll showed sixteen
percent of Americans approve of the job Congress is doing. That says something
about us as a nation. *Sure they are overspending, bribe-taking,
Constitution-erasing sheep and shielders of pedophiles but still, one American
in six appreciates their entertainment value. (Argus Hamilton)
The
USC Trojans offered a basketball scholarship last week to fourteen-year-old
Dwayne Polee Jr. *His moves are incredible. Just to show off, he once ran from
one end of the U.S. Capitol hallway to the other and no one was able to lay a
hand on him. (Argus Hamilton)
Bobby Knight signed a deal last week to
stay at Texas Tech six more years. He has become the fond object of nationwide
nostalgia. *It's hard to believe there was a time in America when terrorism
meant throwing a chair across a basketball court. (Argus Hamilton)
Every
Segway scooter ever built is being recalled for a software glitch. *Instead of
mailing the notices, they are just posting the recall announcement at all Star
Trek conventions. (Jim Barach)
Wal-Mart has ended its policy of
layaways, where people have sixty days to pay off an item the store holds for
them. It was used by people at the lowest end of the economic scale. Those
people can now use the Wal-Mart employee discount. (Jim Barach)
A
Connecticut man is suing a wig shop after claiming a bad fitting toupee caused
him to become upset and have a heart attack. If that's the case, Donald Trump
should have been dead years ago. (Jim Barach)
Ancient tablets found
in Mexico are believed to have the earliest writings in America at 2,900 years
old. Archaeologists say they contain the first directions to get across the
border into Los Angeles. (Jim Barach)
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