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The Funny Firm - Thursday 11/2/06         

TV legend Bob Barker has decided to leave "The Price is Right" at the end of the current season. Barker has hosted the show for 35 years. Bob's last show will air in May 2007.  Producers say they will look for a replacement.  *Not too many game show hosts will want the job, rumor has it that before taking over the show they’ll have to be spayed or neutered.  (Paul Dudley)

In an Associated Press interview, Bob Barker joked that he’ll be 83 years old on December 12th and he has decided to retire while he’s still young.  *Ironically, at CBS, 83 is still young.  (Paul Dudley)

New York taxi rates will increase from twenty to forty cents a minute for idle time spent in traffic.  *And the "pickup rejection" symbol will increase from one middle finger to two. (Bob Mills)

On-field violence this season is highlighting NFL pileups that are often referred to as "torture chambers."  *On a more positive note, several engagements have resulted. (Bob Mills)

Officials in Bangladore, India have renamed the city "Bengaluru."  *Which barely edged out "Googleville" and "Toshiba Laptopuru."  (Bob Mills)

Domino's Pizza drivers in Florida have formed a union. *Their motto is "Pizza delivery in three days or less, guaranteed. Unless it's a holiday or after hours."  (Jim Barach)

Starbuck's coffee has gone up a nickel. *That represents the company's cost of brewing the latte they charge $3 for.  (Jim Barach)

J.D. Power and Associates says the most appealing car is the Porsche Cayman. *Of course it's the most appealing. You can't afford it.  (Jim Barach)

Chrysler says it will cut production by 24%.  *Chairman Dieter Zetsche says the reason for the downturn is those stupid commercials starring Dieter Zetsche. (Jim Barach)

President Bush is out on the campaign trail. The supermarket tabloids say he's drinking again and that Laura has left him over an affair. *He's doing everything he can to get his poll numbers up.  (Argus Hamilton)

Congress sent the Mexico border fence bill to the White House where it was signed. The bill provides for Internet cameras that allow anyone to watch the border for illegal immigrants. *A year from now if they jump over one particular fence, everybody in America gets a free taco from Taco Bell. (Argus Hamilton)

Last week New Scientist reported on a condition called sexsomnia where people demand sex while they are asleep. Sexsomnia isn't really a problem in this country. *With everybody working eighteen hours a day it's the only thing saving the species. (Argus Hamilton)

Supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested in London for assaulting an immigration agent after having previously physically attacked six maids. It's no secret why she's so cranky. *If she gets any skinnier, Madonna's going to adopt her. (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 11/1/06            

Last night the City of West Hollywood, California held their annual Halloween Costume Carnaval.  Streets were blocked off by police and people wandered around dressed as drag queens, transvestites, hookers and leather-clad bikers.  *It’s pretty much like any other night in West Hollywood but the street are blocked off.  (Mark Wheeler)

MySpace.com has licensed a new technology to block users from posting copyrighted music on its site. The social networking website has had problems with users downloading music or videos that are copyrighted. MySpace has more than 90 million active users.  *MySpace users shouldn’t have too much concern for the new technology, after all, a good portion of them already have electronic monitoring devices on their ankles.  (Rick Fancy)

Residents of the Big Apple apparently have little desire to see rapper Kevin Federline in concert. The "New York Post's" "Page Six" reports that so tickets have been sold for his Saturday night show at the city's Webster Hall, it may be cancelled.  *Tickets to the show were 20 dollars…not sure if you pay him or if he pays you.  (Paul Dudley)

Oprah Winfrey interviewed Madonna in a classic meeting of world class attention-getters. Madonna has met her match. *Before the show began, Oprah Winfrey walked onstage and gave everybody in the studio audience a baby from Africa. (Argus Hamilton)

Kansas City Chiefs players performed simulated sex with women at a Passion Party in a hotel on the road recently. It was a Tupperware party for sex toys. *The coach didn't buy the players' excuse that they were just trying to help others the United Way.  (Argus Hamilton)

Mens magazine Maxim will open a chain of steakhouses offering "sexy and sophisticated lighter fare."  *The desserts are displayed on the menu's centerfold.  (Bob Mills)

Filthy airplanes are becoming the norm as major air carriers outsource routine cleaning to the lowest bidders.  *Passengers on Delta are now issued a pillow, a blanket and a Dirt Devil.  (Bob Mills)

A new study shows that an average driver could save $396 per year on gasoline expenses by losing 100 pounds. *Researchers studied Mafia drivers with and without a body in the trunk.  (Bob Mills)

The first penis transplant was recently performed in China.  *Apparently, when they ask if you want to be an organ donor in China, they mean an organ donor.  (Jim Barach)

Shaquille O'Neal has started the O'Neal Group, a real estate venture developing 1,100 residential units in Miami. They’re the ones with eight foot high doorways.  (Jim Barach)

Omaha Steaks is selling frozen meat at airports to take on the planes. *By the time customers get through security and airline delays, the steaks are thawed and ready to eat.  (Jim Barach)

Auto industry experts are talking about the possibility of an alliance between Ford and GM. *The merger would combine the bad mileage of GM along with the overall poor quality of Ford.  (Jim Barach)

Pan Am employees were finally paid their back wages, after waiting fifteen years. *Employees said if they were any more late they would have sworn it was United.  (Jim Barach)


The Funny Firm - Tuesday 10/31/06           

A new study by Morgan Quitno Press says St. Louis is the most dangerous city in the United States.  The city of Detroit came in second.  *Detroit just can‘t seem to win.  First they lose the World Series to St. Louis, now this.  (Paul Dudley)

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are planning to get married next month.  Security will be unbelievably tight.  *They just can’t take any chances…the last thing they want is to have Madonna show up and try and adopt their newborn.  (Rick Fancy) 

San Diego Chargers superstar linebacker Shawne Merriman was suspended for four games by the commissioner after he flunked a blood test. He violated the National Football League's steroid policy. *He didn't bring enough for everybody.  (Argus Hamilton)

Ford Motors reported a third-quarter loss of almost six billion dollars last week. It's more bad news for Michigan autoworkers. *You knew the town was hurting last month when the Detroit Tigers gave away soup and bread on Fan Appreciation Day.  (Argus Hamilton)

Madonna's upcoming NBC concert was edited to exclude the number where she is strapped to a cross. Sometimes Hollywood does the right thing.  *The cross is mirrored like a disco ball and the network doesn't want to appear to be promoting cocaine use. (Argus Hamilton)

A threatened tourism boycott of South Dakota over a strict anti-abortion bill has apparently had little effect. *This past summer South Dakota saw as many as three tourists. (Jim Barach)

Southwestern Indian tribes are suing to block a plan to allow expansion of an Arizona ski resort. *They claim it desecrates sacred land, which should only be used for religious rites and casinos.  (Jim Barach)

The Rancho Palos Verdes city council approved an illegal 70' high flagpole at Trump National Golf Course. *The flagpole will have a giant wind sock that Trump can use to estimate the direction his comb-over will be flapping.  (Jim Barach)

Ford is cutting its number of car dealers. *Ford realized there was a problem when they had more dealers than customers.  (Jim Barach)

Country singer Keith Urban, new husband of Nicole Kidman, checked himself into alcohol rehab and is continuing his treatment. *If you were constantly being compared to Tom Cruise, you'd drink too.  (Bob Mills)

Wesley Snipes has been located in Namibia.  *Working on his new movie "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Tax Avoidance But Were Afraid to Ask."  (Bob Mills)

A visitor at Crater of Diamonds State Park in Murfreesboro, Arkansas found a 5.47 caret diamond.  *It was on the finger of another visitor, but still...  (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Monday 10/30/06        

The last Ford Taurus was produced last week in Atlanta. Ford Motor Company is closing the production facility in the city an ending production of the vehicle as part of its restructuring plan. The Taurus was Ford's top-selling vehicle in 1987.  *Clearly the American public won't have the Taurus to push around anymore. (Mark Wheeler)

The "L.A. Times" reports that rapper Snoop Dogg has been charged with suspicion of being a felon in possession of a gun and of transporting marijuana at Bob Hope Airport in Burbank.  Last month, Snoop was arrested at John Wayne Airport in California.  *Maybe Snoop should fly out of an airport with a bit more of a laid back attitude, like Bob Marley International.  (Paul Dudley)

The University of Wisconsin has sued Iowa's Waukie High School over their use of the letter "W" as a logo.  *According to reliable sources, Der Weinerschnitzel is next.  (Bob Mills)

NBC will excise the controversial crucifixion scene from Madonna's televised concert from London. *They don't want to see anyone nailed to a cross---- with the possible exception of Katie Couric.  (Bob Mills)

Haley Joel Osment has been sentenced on drunk driving and drug possession charges.  *"I see probation officers..."  (Bob Mills)

Federal officials say they are closing in on President Bush's goal of processing immigration applications at a faster rate. *They have found they can do up to fourteen at a time by opening trunks at the Mexico border.  (Jim Barach)

According to new research, U.S. doctors are reluctant to use e-mail. *They can't get used to the idea of actually having people be able to read their writing.  (Jim Barach)

Research shows that Viagra worsens sleep apnea, a breathing abnormality. *If you are using Viagra and it interferes with your breathing, you are sleeping in an entirely incorrect position.  (Jim Barach)

A study shows that the Dutch are the world's tallest people, with men measuring at just over six feet tall. *However, Americans are still the tallest if you measure them around the waist.  (Jim Barach)

Journal Science says U.S. and British scientists successfully tested a cloak of invisibility. It uses heat to bend light and create a mirage to cloak things from the naked eye. *It's how mobsters and adulterers moved around freely in Las Vegas for years.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Supreme Court ruled to allow Arizona to require voters to display a photo ID as required by a ballot measure two years ago. It's a new strategy to combat illegal aliens. *The idea is to run them out of film and lamination equipment. (Argus Hamilton)

San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman was suspended for four games for using steroids. The stuff fills you with rage. *Already this year he gave two quarterbacks concussions and that was just with his car in the parking lot.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Friday 10/27/06         

Hotel heiress and "Simple Life" star Paris Hilton is warning teens about the dangers of drunk driving. "Us Weekly" reports that the 25-year-old, will appear on the cover of December's "Seventeen" and inside the magazine warns, "All it takes is one drink to mess with the way you drive….Don't take any chances."  *She says every teenager needs to follow one simple rule… “If they drink, make sure and have a personal assistant call a driver and have a limo come pick them up.”  (Mark Wheeler)

A new video game will put players into the world of William Shakespeare. Researchers at Indiana University have received a 240-thousand-dollar grant to create a game called "Arden" which will be available to students next year. The game will give players the chance to "live" history and talk to Shakespeare's famous characters.  *Shakespeare themed video games? This is clearly targeted at the video gamer who wants to be known as both a nerd, and a geek.  (Paul Dudley)

Move over Elvis, Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain is number one. Forbes.com has listed Cobain as the top earning dead celebrity, beating out Elvis for the spot. The list shows Cobain making 50-million-dollars a year, while number two Elvis checks in at 42-million. *That's very surprising; I would have bet the top earning dead celebrity was Larry King. (Paul Dudley)

The FBI said the threat to blow up NFL stadiums last Sunday was a hoax by two guys competing to think up the scariest terror scenario. *What an idiotic contest. It's horrifying to realize that Jackass Two was more inspiring than Flags of Our Fathers.  (Argus Hamilton)

Sir Paul McCartney registered his name as a trademark for use on a clothing line and vegetarian foods. He really doesn't need to trademark it.  *No one's going to want to steal his name while it's being sued for one billion dollars in alimony.  (Argus Hamilton)

New York prosecutors announced they won't prosecute John Gotti Junior a fourth time after failing three previous times to convict him on racketeering charges. *The first three trials ended in hung juries. That's enough casualties.   (Argus Hamilton)

Japan estimates there will be more than 28 thousand centarians in their country this year. *They came up with the estimate by counting the number of cars with their turn signals always on.

MIT is working to lower the anxiety level of students who are applying. *While students stress out about grades and tests, at least they don't have to worry about a social life getting in the way.

Bill Gates has donated $68 million to fight tropical diseases. *How about a couple of dollars to kill those viruses that keep getting in my computer through my PC?

New cars and SUVs must have anti-rollover technology by 2012. *It could save thousands of lives, but more importantly will keep cars upright during accidents, preventing gas from spilling.  (Jim Barach)

Major League Baseball has licensed the Eternal Image Company to produce caskets with team colors and logos. *Including the "Blue Crew Extra Innings Capsule" that's shaped like a Dodger dog.  (Bob Mills)

A judge postponed the execution of an Ohio death row inmate on the grounds that lethally injecting a person so obese would constitute cruel and unusual punishment. *They may have to compromise and strap him to Kirstie Alley.  (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 10/26/06             

Supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested in London accused of assaulting her drug counselor.  The therapist made a complaint after she was "scratched all over her face" by Naomi.  A spokesman for the supermodel says he believes it was all a "misunderstanding"  *…apparently Naomi thought her drug counselor was her housekeeper.  (Mark Wheeler)

The parent company of the 7-Eleven convenience store chain is telling its various outlets not to sell a new high-energy drink called Cocaine.  Company officials say they don’t want to have any kind association with contraband.  *They say if customers want to purchase Cocaine, they’ll have to buy it in the 7-11 parking lot just like everyone else.  (Mark Wheeler)

Last year, the government spent $87 million to transport convicted prisoners by air.  *Worse still, the cons were allowed to apply their frequent flier miles toward reduced sentences.  (Bob Mills)

A recent survey showed that 30-year old women with graduate degrees stand a 75% chance of finding a husband. *100% if they also own a major sports franchise.  (Bob Mills)

The U.S. population has reached 300,000,000. *300,000,001 if you count Madonna's new kid.  (Bob Mills)

The Wall Street Journal poll showed sixteen percent of Americans approve of the job Congress is doing. That says something about us as a nation. *Sure they are overspending, bribe-taking, Constitution-erasing sheep and shielders of pedophiles but still, one American in six appreciates their entertainment value.  (Argus Hamilton)

The USC Trojans offered a basketball scholarship last week to fourteen-year-old Dwayne Polee Jr. *His moves are incredible. Just to show off, he once ran from one end of the U.S. Capitol hallway to the other and no one was able to lay a hand on him. (Argus Hamilton)

Bobby Knight signed a deal last week to stay at Texas Tech six more years. He has become the fond object of nationwide nostalgia. *It's hard to believe there was a time in America when terrorism meant throwing a chair across a basketball court. (Argus Hamilton)

Every Segway scooter ever built is being recalled for a software glitch. *Instead of mailing the notices, they are just posting the recall announcement at all Star Trek conventions.  (Jim Barach)

Wal-Mart has ended its policy of layaways, where people have sixty days to pay off an item the store holds for them. It was used by people at the lowest end of the economic scale. Those people can now use the Wal-Mart employee discount.  (Jim Barach)

A Connecticut man is suing a wig shop after claiming a bad fitting toupee caused him to become upset and have a heart attack. If that's the case, Donald Trump should have been dead years ago.  (Jim Barach)

Ancient tablets found in Mexico are believed to have the earliest writings in America at 2,900 years old. Archaeologists say they contain the first directions to get across the border into Los Angeles.  (Jim Barach)

 
 
 


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