FOYLE FRIEND SCHOOL SURVEY
THE COMING OUT PROCESS
Identifying oneself as
lesbian or gay and disclosing this to other people is often
referred to as 'Coming Out'. There are three main issues
associated with coming out which schools need to be aware of:
·
'Coming out' is a necessary and ultimately positive experience
for most young people who grow up lesbian or gay. It can
take place in the years between starting and leaving secondary
school. In this period, coming to terms with confusion about
identity can affect a young person's social relationships, school
work and self-esteem both negatively and positively.
·
Many young lesbian and gay people experience critical times when
they have to decide who to tell about their sexuality. In
making this disclosure they are often fearful of negative
reactions, rejection and causing upset and distress to the person
they are telling. Sometimes a young person may try 'coming
out' to a supportive teacher or a school friend as a precursor to
talking to parents in order to rehearse their own part and to
judge reactions. Receiving a negative reaction can be very
distressing.
·
Support and guarantees of safety are valuable to young people
'coming out'. The availability of secure and confidential
groups or contacts can be instrumental in reducing anxiety which
is only magnified by feelings of isolation. The presence of
role models in the shape of adults who 'come out' and those who
offer non-judgmental support and help young people access these
groups can be important. Positive treatment by, and contact
with, role models can also encourage them to feel confident about
their future.
There
are several theories about the elements of the 'coming out'
process. Each has its own emphasis but all of them regard
'coming out' as a series of stages. These stages do not
necessarily last the same length of time and there is no one age
when the whole process begins and ends. These stages can be
described as follows:
Stage 1
- Sensitisation
G9 said
"I was probably always a loner anyway, afraid to let anyone
in, so I was a bit of an oddity among my
contemporaries anyway."
Andrew
said "Only now do I realise the level of
harassment, bullying and mental torture that I endured while at
school. I was never like all the other boys, always
excluded from all the social activities that the majority
enjoyed. For years I pondered as to why this was. Why was I
being treated differently and castigated by others to such a
lonely life?"
In this stage a person
generally begins to feel 'different' to other people of the same
sex. Sometimes they recognise that they are not very
interested in people of the opposite sex but more often they feel
they are not really interested in things which are supposed to be
appropriate for their sex. Most people report just feeling
unusual when they compare themselves to other people of their
sex. Commonly this happens before or in early adolescence
when friendships and relationships between the sexes begin to
change.
Roughly
half the LGB men and women surveyed felt 'different' by the age
of 11.
Stage 2
- Confusion about identity
G28 said
"I tried not to think about it as I felt
disgusted and repulsed if I dared think of fellow class-mates in
a sexual way. I shuddered at the thought of them
discovering how I felt and thought so I never really thought of
being a gay person at school due to the fact that I pretended to
be 'straight' . Therefore, being gay at school is a life of
pretence, lies and denial. Living in fear of being
discovered due to the ensuing consequences."
There
are usually four elements which contribute to confusion about
identity:
·
Feeling that perceptions of the self are altering;
·
Feeling and experiencing heterosexual and homosexual sexual
arousal;
·
Sensing the stigma surrounding homosexuality;
·
Lacking knowledge about homosexuality.
Research indicates that most
young gay men first decide they are probably gay between the ages
of 12 and 17, and most young lesbian women first decide they are
probably lesbian between the ages of 16 and 20. At this time they
have to deal with feeling that they have changed as have their
relationships with other people around them. Some also have
to combat the potentially powerful feelings of self-recrimination
and disgust that come from describing themselves as homosexual.
There are various strategies for coping with this emotional
upheaval.
Some young people who think
they are lesbian or gay will try to deny it to themselves and
even seek help to eradicate their feelings. Others will try
and avoid thoughts and feelings which remind them that they have
homosexual inclinations. In these situations young people
can avoid getting any information about sexuality in order to
avoid confirming their suspicions about their orientation.
Some young people have great
difficulty in managing their relationships with peers and family.
They may avoid situations in which they may encounter
opportunities for heterosexual pairing so that they are not
forced to deal with their lack of sexual interest in members of
the opposite sex or have it exposed. They may,
alternatively, persevere with heterosexual relationships to try
and 'convert' themselves and/or conceal their homosexuality from
others. In some extreme cases young people may try to avoid
confronting their feelings by expressing strong homophobia or
turning to drink and drugs in order to find temporary relief from
them.
Finally, some young people fall
back on a strategy of redefining their feelings and behaviour in
such a way as to convince themselves that it is not really
homosexual. For example, they may describe their
experiences as a 'phase' or a 'one-off' or they may put them down
to extreme emotional or physical circumstances such as the
break-up of a relationship or drunkenness at a party. In this
stage feelings are becoming more concrete. Young people may
well have partners of both sexes and may well find their moods
and feelings shifting as they feel more or less certain about
their identity. This period often lasts throughout
adolescence.
It is important to note that
50% of gay and bisexual boys surveyed knew they were gay by 11¼
and of lesbian and bisexual girls by 12¼. By 13, 80% of
lesbian and bisexual girls are aware that they are gay and by 15,
80% of gay and bisexual boys are aware that they are gay.
Most
children who later self-identify as gay/bisexual are well aware
that they are gay by NI school year 11 (14/15)
Many
are aware they are gay in NI school year 8 (11/12)!
By
sixth form practically all gay people know they are gay
Stage 3 - Assuming a lesbian or gay
identity
L10 said
"I never felt so bad about not finding
men attractive in the true sense of the word and it helped me
understand why I felt like I did for women so it was no longer
un-natural."
G26 said
"I was happy to like other boys and
sensed that the one boy I fancied was gay as I could feel that he
was interested in me by way of glances and once standing up for
me when I was picked on."
Clearly,
living with confusion about identity is emotionally exhausting
and potentially destructive. For some young people this
period is followed quite quickly by a stage in which they come to
accept their lesbian or gay identity and are able to express it
in a positive way. For both young men and women growing up
mixing with other young gay people - in social settings or
through support groups - can help them feel able accept to who
they are. For some young people, particularly in larger
towns and cities, lesbian and gay youth support groups provide a
safe environment for 'coming out'. Elsewhere local and
national lesbian and gay telephone helplines provide a safe space
and listening ear for young people who want support.
Figure 5 The time delay between boys
realising that they are gay and them telling someone that
they are gay |
Most
boys live with the 'secret' that they are gay for about three
years in the middle of their school lives.
90%
of girls and 93.4% boys had not
told their parents they were gay by the time they were doing
their GCSE or Junior Certs (16)
Stage 4
- Commitment
G28 said
"It made me stronger to face future
prejudice. It made me more determined to stand up for
myself and not let any mindless, ignorant superfluous caveman
prevent me from being what and who I was destined to be. For
that, I can be a better person, proud of myself and my
kind."
The next stage in the process
of 'coming out' involves becoming being lesbian or gay openly and
recognising that it is a central aspect of, 'who I am', and, 'how
I want to live my life'. Young people begin to feel that
homosexuality is a valid way of life and develop a sense of
contentment with being lesbian or gay. They often have the
experience of falling in love at this time and, perhaps as a
result, feel more confident, fulfilled and able to combat the
social stigma that they may suffer.
At this time some young lesbian
and gay people begin to feel proud of their sexuality. The
expression of this pride in being lesbian or gay is a powerful
force in challenging the stigma attached to homosexuality by
people with prejudiced attitudes and provides positive role
models to others less sure about 'coming out'.
Stage 5
- Synthesis
No respondents wrote anything that
would illustrate synthesis,
The person's sexuality becomes
a natural part of their life and ceases to impinge on their
consciousness. Being gay is no longer an issue. They
get on with their lives as any other well adjusted member of
society does.
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