The disc is in the player; the righteous man is beset. Shall we begin? Yes, Lisa.
10:13 -- It used to be they saved the full Fox Fanfare for special movies. Not that I'm complaining about its use here. It's a Cole Hauser star vehicle asking us to buy Cole Hauser as a major movie star. It's already the most self-reflexively stupid film I've seen since AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS. Tom Rothman must be thrilled to have finally made a movie his lackeys don't have to explain to him slowly in one- and two-syllable words as he thrashes about in the Gymboree ball pool installed in his office.
10:21 -- I wonder if this film was written via keyboard strapped to a heavy bag in Mel Gibson's gym. The filmmakers are obviously outraged, but it's as if they'd remade THE SWARM as a mild infestation of fruit flies.
10:27 -- I was just about to make a crack about some actor looking like Vince Vaughn with bad facial hair....
10:28 -- Tom Sizemore scours Cole Hauser's trash. Cue threatening music.
10:31 -- "Everybody wants steak, but nobody wants to date the butcher." They're debating the ethics of the paparazzi profession in a strip joint. It saddens me that the writer probably gave himself a mental high five when he put these two together.
10:37 -- They took his wife's spleen. All told, he's taking it better than I would.
10:40 -- The son's sustained a spinal injury, but, so far, he's still one spleen up on his mother. This'll be a very jealous household in a few years.
10:43 -- Hauser's bodyguard is the dude from DIGGSTOWN whose brother ends up getting hanged by Bruce Dern's henchmen. Things are looking up.
10:47 -- Generally, it's not a wise decision to talk shit to the guy trying to hoist your ass up from the precipice of a 100 ft. drop, especially when you took his wife's spleen.
10:49 -- Mel Gibson cameo noted. He's waiting for anger management therapy. In a movie that is anger management therapy. Most self-reflexively stupid movie...
11:00 -- Aside from Hauser setting up one of the paparazzi with a "Disposable Cell Phone", it's kinda hit an inanity plateau.
11:03 -- Memo to Robin Tunney: It's never good to be playing your age at thirty-one.
11:08 -- You never ever jostle a woman with no spleen.
11:12 -- Right about now, Chris Rock is really wishing he never did LETHAL WEAPON 4. "Send out one of them white bitches"? Mantan Mooreland lives.
11:15 -- Okay... I was gonna mention something earlier about how they'll probably make use of the traffic cameras posted at intersections out here in L.A. Seriously. But I was also expecting a buttload of references to Joe Pesci in THE PUBLIC EYE, so I'm not exactly batting .300 on the night.
11:30 -- Cole Hauser sadistically laying into Tom Sizemore makes this the second Mel Gibson film of last year to get off on the ceaseless beating of a Christ figure.
11:31 -- Dennis Farina and Cole Hauser regard each other. Hot.
11:33 -- All those "Cole Hauser's a poor man's Matthew McConaughey" remarks I've been keeping to myself have just taken on a uncomfortably coincidental tincture.
11:34 -- Cameo of the film: Tim Thomerson.
11:35 -- At last, Hauser can laugh with his paparazzi tormentors. He just needed to blow off some steam by committing a few homicides. How very Christian of you, Mel. And just in case your obsessed ass is reading this, know that I've installed extra locks, four security cameras, and hired the dude who played Minoso Torres in DIGGSTOWN as my bodyguard. You want my spleen, motherfucker, you better pack a lunch and a dinner, 'cause you'll be pulling a double shift.
On the whole, I was hoping PAPARAZZI would be more outlandishly stupid than it turned out to be. I'd despair, but, folks, there's only three months until THE PACIFIER. Vin Diesel and a duck shall lead us.
Now, I'm gonna watch WIMBLEDON without having to turn back to the computer every two minutes. This is your loss.