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Cheryl Lavin
Tales from the Front
June 11, 2007
Dear Cheryl: How do I tell someone that I no longer want to just ""hook up"" with him? I like this guy, but somehow our relationship has turned into booty calls. Don't get me wrong, he's a complete gentleman -- if there is such a thing as being a gentleman about a booty call. But after the deed is done, I don't hear a word from him until the next time he politely asks to see me.
I don't want to continue in this way, but I'm not looking for a 24/7 relationship either, so I'm not sure how to approach the subject. I don't want him to think I'm getting too serious. I don't want him to think I'm the typical nag: ""Why don't you call?"" Blah, blah, blah.
Should I just ignore him until he goes away? Or should I say something? And if so, what?
-- He's Got My Number
Dear He's Got My Number: Be as honest with him as you've been with me. Call him and say, ""Let's see a movie or have dinner this week."" If he says ""No, but I'd still like to come over,"" tell him you're no longer interested in being his booty call and if that's all that he wants, ""See ya, bye.""
If he says sure, then when you're with him, tell him you enjoy his company and you'd like to spend time with him outside of the bedroom. Either he agrees or he doesn't.
Now I have a question for you. Are you sure you don't want a 24/7 relationship? Or are you afraid it's too much to hope for? Just asking.
Readers, has a booty call ever turned into a relationship?
Dear Cheryl: I lived with Rick for l0 months and he left me. I had given him all I had, but he claimed his brains were screwed up (they were) and he had to have a fresh start, without me. Long story short, it took me two years to get over him. I'd divorced my husband after 31 years (Rick was the catalyst, not the cause); I was alone and scared.
I met Steve through a dating service. We dated for nearly a year. He cheated on me but claimed he loved me. We broke up many times, but I really loved him and he was a lot of fun and made a good living, even though he had some very immature qualities.
Anyway, Rick came back. He said he realized his mistake and wanted me to marry him. I felt like he'd tried to meet other women and failed so I was a convenient last resort. The deep feelings that I'd had before have faded and I don't know if I can get them back. But he offered me a wonderful life. He said I'd never have to worry about financial security, and we enjoy each other's company.
Well, Steve found out about it. He's afraid I'll marry Rick, so he asked me to marry him.
I'm so torn between these two. I'm 58. No kid. Please help. My kids weren't thrilled with either one. Do I grab as much fun as I can or do I settle for security and someone who wants to treat me well, even though he can be very controlling and cheap?
-- Stuck
Dear Stuck: I have to agree with your kids. You don't love Rick. He dumped you because his brains were screwed up? What does that mean in plain English? He has a drug problem? Women problems? Emotional or psychological problems? And now he wants you back because there's nobody better around?
And Steve? He's ""immature,"" ""controlling"" and ""cheap"" and he has already cheated on you. You think a wedding ring is going to make him grow up and turn him into a generous, faithful man? You're too old to believe in fairy tales.
I think both of these guys will give you nothing but more heartache. If I were you, I'd get back online and look for a man who is stable and sincere, doesn't play games, and is looking for a life partner, not a good time.
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