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A not too hot, not too cold obit

Andrew Willis, today at 4:11 PM EDT

You won't be seeing this obituary in the Globe and Mail any time soon. But the joke e-mail is making the rounds in the financial community, and is a distraction as we all wait on Wednesday's interest rate decision from the U.S. Federal Reserve:

Goldilocks, 8, Economic Pioneer, Dies

October 28, 2008

Goldilocks, beloved daughter of the modern economy, died peacefully at her Greenwich, CT home this morning. She is survived by her father, Alan Greenspan, and her adopted siblings the three bears. She will be best remembered for economic developments such as the “jobless recovery,” exotic derivatives and grossly irresponsible lending and borrowing.

Goldie, as her closest companions referred to her, brought much joy to the lives of millions of borrowers as well as a legion of financial gurus. Moreover, she managed to completely eradicate risk on Wall Street.

Born in late 2000 in a run-down tenement in Silicon Valley to Mr. Alan Greenspan and his wife Pollyanna, Goldilocks gained notoriety in 2002 helping the domestic economy claw out of a recession using her flowing locks to cushion the fall, creating a soft landing. Prosperity followed as boardrooms across the country soon found themselves rich beyond their wildest dreams.

Wiping his tears with a hundred dollar bill, a CEO of a major financial institution attending the memorial service gave a touching eulogy remembering the time that he and Goldie spent a two-week getaway in the Greek Islands aboard his yacht “SarbOx”.

Bedridden since early October, Goldilocks had been suffering from pneumonia thought to be brought on by the freezing of the credit markets. Vigorous efforts by Doctors Bernanke and Paulson, two of the economy's eminent physicians, failed to revive the stricken little girl. Goldie's three closest companions, the three bears are enraged.

Papa bear, hot under the collar, stated at the memorial that he intends to make those responsible for the death of his darling Goldilocks pay. Mama Bear coldly stood by his side while Baby Bear stated that whatever happens to the stock market will, in his eyes, be “just right.” Rest in peace Goldilocks. We on Wall Street will remember you fondly.

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