The first train  
essay

The first train



 
I heard, like in hollow armour,
Like the thaw dripping in the wall,
The beating of their hearts . . . .

    O. V. de L. Milosz


 
 
 

A middle aged man

He wears a ragged black suit and a buttonless yellowed shirt

His feet are bare

He sits on a low wooden stool

On the ground beside him is a wooden tool box containing a cobbler's hammer tacks needles and thread

In front of him a cobbler's last stands on a raw block of wood

On the ground around the block are about a dozen pairs of children's shoes

The shoes are battered muddy and broken

One by one the man is cleaning or repairing the shoes

He works slowly and carefully throughout placing the repaired shoes beside him in a neat row
 

There was a little boy he played and he played he found his toys in the garden he flew like an aeroplane he swam like a fish he hid in the cupboard he loved to have his birthdays he sang happy birthday he loved the trains going past he could see them from his window as they came down the hill into his town he said hello and bye bye to the trains but he knew they couldn't hear him he fell down bang and it was funny he laughed he wasn't a monkey or a sausage he was him he pointed at himself and said me he could say no and mine and he said them and he played until he was tired and wanted his blanket to hide under

He looked out the window

In the tree that grew over the fence from the next house there was a bird o the bird sang and sang and he ate the grub and the spider and the spider's web shone in the night when you shined a torch and the night was dark but the torch was like the moon and you weren't scared

Mummy came in his room one night and said o where is the bird that ate the grub and the spider and the little boy said he's gone and the bird was gone and mummy sat down and cried and cried but it wasn't because of the bird but he didn't know what it was she was crying for

It was almost his birthday again and he crawled onto his mummy's lap and she counted all the years he was alive one two three and she said o little boy my little boy and he laughed and said tickle me and she tickled him with all her fingers like a spider with its legs and he said stop stop stop and she stopped

O my little boy she said

The world was big he knew and the bird's eye was round like the torch and the moon and all the trains went to sleep in the shed at night like he did in his bed and he was dreaming the dreams came into his eyes when he shut them and out when he opened them so he could tell them in the morning though he always forgot

The world was big he was small but bigger than a baby

O my little boy she said crying crying crying the world's turned upside down and no one's left to worry and all the leaves curl up in winter and sometimes it's winter every day and there we are there we are

I miss you so much he said even though he never didn't see her but he thought it would make her happy and she kissed his cheek

And the world was outside anyway and never came in because it was too big like everything was except him he was in his home and didn't belong to any body except her

Little boy she said your eyes are so pearly and tucked him in his bed but left the light on like always

There was always tomorrow which always came after and everything wouldn't be sad then not always and then he dreamed of something that he couldn't remember like always

Then one early morning he heard a train he heard the whistle of a train and he heard big wheels screeching and carriages bumping and rattling like old dry bones and he sat up in his bed which was where he was

Mummy he called but she didn't hear him

He looked out the window and saw the train coming down the hill into his town it was a black train with smoke coming out it was old and all the carriages were brown like boxes
Mummy he called

He jumped from his bed and ran out from his room and into the passage and saw his mummy standing by the front door with a scarf over her head she was looking out the little spyhole in the door that sometimes she lifted him up to see out of and she didn't answer him when he said mummy again

He ran to her and tugged at her dress but she only turned and hissed at him like a cat and pushed him away and he fell down and cried and she had to pick him up and say she was sorry and she stroked his face with her hand and her hand was cold and wet and she told him to be quiet be quiet and her voice was quiet and he tried and he stopped crying and she looked out the spyhole again

He just looked at the scarf on her head it was red with big blue flowers on it and a fringe of yellow

Mummy he said quietly and his eyes were shut because the flowers were burning his eyes mummy he said and she only held him tighter against her until it almost hurt

She put her cheek against his face and her cheek was hot but the scarf was cool and soft and he almost wanted to laugh but he didn't laugh

And then he heard the train whistle blow again and it was very close and his mummy turned and ran down the passage and through the kitchen at the end of the passage and out of the back door and into the tiny back yard with the stone path and the vegetable garden and the plum tree where the bird and the grub and the spider lived growing over the fence from the next house and she ran to the back gate that led to the lane and she pulled the gate open and the gate scratched on the ground and wouldn't come all the way open because she hardly ever opened it and she had to pull again very hard so she put him on the ground beside her and he clung to her dress and she pulled and pulled on the gate until it was open enough and she picked him up again and he could hear her breath very loud and fast and she pressed him tight onto her and she ran into the lane and he was crying now but he didn't know why and his mummy ran and ran and he could hear she was crying too but he didn't know why and he shut his eyes he shut them tighter and tighter so that his tears couldn't come out and he felt the yellow fringe of her scarf on his face tickling him

And the train whistle screamed out again and the train was very close like it was chasing them down the lane but he didn't look

And his mummy was saying o god o god o god

Someone shouted his mummy's name but he didn't look who it was it was the man from the grocer shop on the corner because he had a big deep voice like a cannon he shouted his mummy's name but she didn't answer him only kept running but she was going slower now

He heard a truck driving and a bell ringing somewhere it was a church bell there was the crackle of a fire and he could smell it too and there was a woman crying and a baby crying and a man shouting something he couldn't understand and there were people running everywhere because he could hear all their feet going bang bang bang on the ground but he didn't look

And then a big piece of glass somewhere went crash on the ground and behind his closed eyes he could see all the shiny pieces

The dark behind his eyes was going red and his eyes hurt but he squeezed them even tighter shut and his teeth were shut tight and his hands were tight in his mummy's clothes

She turned out of the lane and walked she walked quite slowly he could feel her heart

She wasn't saying o god any more she was very quiet and he could hear her shoes going clack clack clack on the ground

Then he remembered he didn't have his shoes on and that was why his feet were so cold and that he didn't have his proper clothes on yet and only his blue striped pyjamas and that's why his body was so cold and he was shivering even though he could feel how warm his mummy was

Then his mummy stopped walking and she stood very still

And he wondered should he open his eyes now but he didn't

His mummy turned and started running again and he didn't know where they were going now and he opened his eyes because suddenly he was getting frightened because he wasn't really frightened before only scared

His eyes were all blurry from being shut so long and he was bobbing up and down on his mummy as she ran but he could see that they were going down another lane a little lane behind the factory where his mummy used to work sometimes putting cups and saucers in boxes that had soft straw in them so nothing would break when her sister came to look after him which wasn't often as she had her own little boy who was even smaller than him

The lane was narrow and dark and full of old rubbish from the factory and he felt even colder and then his mummy stopped and put him down on the ground and looked at him and saw how cold he was and pulled off her scarf and wrapped it around his shoulders like a little blanket but it wasn't very warm and then she said my dear one which is what she sometimes called him

Mummy he said but she didn't say anything back only lifted him up again and put him down in a box

It was a big old cardboard box full of soft yellow straw for the cups and saucers and she put him in there and told him to be quiet

Then she went away and he tried to look over the edge of the box for her but it was too high and he wanted to call out for her but he didn't because she said to be quiet so he waited

She came back quite soon with a big plank of wood and a big piece of plastic which was black and she put the wood across the top of the box and the plastic over the wood so that he was in a little house but it was very dark and he didn't like it

Then she lifted the plastic and looked in but he couldn't really see her face properly in the dark with the light of the sky all around her when he looked up and she said lie down and close your eyes but he didn't want to but she told him again so he did lie down but he didn't close his eyes and he could tell that she was looking at him but couldn't see that his eyes weren't closed because he was so far down in the dark and in the soft straw

Wait she said wait here I'll come back for you

And that was all she said and then she shut the plastic and he heard her shoes clack clack down the lane and then he didn't hear them

He shut his eyes like she said to because he didn't want to be naughty

And he could hear all the noise and there was more noise and more

The glass breaking and the truck driving and the people shouting and so many feet running and the bell ringing and the fire crackling

He shut his eyes tighter and tighter and he wished that the bird and the grub and the spider from the plum tree were in the box with him only that they shouldn't eat each other

The yellow straw for cups and saucers was soft around him and soon he wasn't so cold and all the noise outside went further and further away like everyone and everything was going away like the whole town was empty and even though he was frightened he felt very sleepy

And he heard the whistle of the train blowing but it was leaving now it was going further and further away it was climbing up the hill on the other side of the town the smoke going up up up from the funnel and all the carriages like boxes bumping and rattling like old dry bones

He slept and he woke and he waited and he slept and even in his sleep he waited

Her scarf drawn over his face
 

The man goes on cleaning and repairing the children's shoes

It grows dark

He goes on working
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


 

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