TIMO
21
Hester and I could hardly keep from falling asleep in the darkroom that day. I looked forward to a night of uninterrupted rest. I didn't care about the shortage of food. I hardly noticed supper--baloney heated in grease. I did manage to get a few hours of sleep after I ate. But I was only getting warmed up when a fox pulled my blanket down.
"Oh no! Not tonight."
The fox insisted. I followed it out to the circle of stones. Everyone else was there already, including Mrs. Patch.
"Look over here," she said, "spearmint! See? Square stems."
Hester was already holding a sprig of spearmint. She ignored me.
"Before we do anything else," I said, "I want to apologize to Hester. I was wrong and I admit it."
"Ask Mr. O'Brien what he's apologizing for."
"I don't exactly know," I said. "But whatever it is, I confess I did it. And I promise never to do it again."
"If you don't know what you did," said Hester, "How are you going to keep from doing it again?"
"Will power," I said.
"Would you like me to tell you what you did?"
"Why not?" I said. "Give it to me straight. I can take it. Do I have bad breath?"
"Sure," said Hester. "But that's not the most offensive thing about you. Don't you remember what you did back there?"
"I rescued my brother from alien kidnappers."
"You told me to break the door down. I did what you told me. Then you yelled at me for breaking the door down."
"I didn't yell."
"I don't know what else to call it."
"I never yell."
The wisedomes must have decided to let us argue it out. They didn't interfere.
"I don't care if you yelled or not. You blamed me for doing exactly what you told me to do."
"Maybe I was joking."
"Well, I can do without that kind of joke."
"Don't be so sensitive."
"Maybe I'm not especially sensitive. Maybe you're especially insensitive."
"I said I was sorry, didn't I? What more do you want me to do?"
"Mean it."
"O.K., I mean it. Really."
"You're only talking," said Hester. "But I forgive you anyway."
"Thanks a lot."
"You're welcome."
Wolfgang did not detect the sarcasm in our last words. "I'm glad that's settled," he said. "Now we can get on with the business of saving the world."
"How do we do that?" I asked.
"Mother has a plan," said Wolfgang.
"Yes," said Mrs. Patch. "I have a plan. But first I'd like to go home and brew a pot of tea. This wild spearmint is making me thirsty."
She didn't wait for us to say anything. She started running around us. The foxes joined her. Wolfgang was too lazy to do his part. He stayed in the middle of the wind with Hester and me. The woods went out of focus. The Hall of Elders came into focus. The chief elder was sitting at the computer keyboard.
"Any tea left?" said Mrs. Patch.
"A little."
"What kind?"
"Catnip."
"I'm making a fresh pot. Spearmint. You want some?"
"No thanks," said the Chief Elder. "I've had enough already."
Mrs. Patch led us out of the Hall of the Elders. She plucked an umbrella from the stand near the door.
"Better take an umbrella," said Wolfgang. "We're probably going to Mom's for a cup of tea." He took the last black umbrella. Hester took a red one. I was stuck with a big yellow one with green frogs all over it. I felt silly carrying it. I'd feel even sillier if I had to open it.
We followed the wall of the great cavern and turned down a passage only a hundred yards away from the Hall of the Elders. The two foxes stayed outside the passage. We went through a tunnel with a low ceiling. Hester and I had to crawl through on our hands and knees. The air was damp.
The tunnel led to a grotto full of mist. An underground river splashed down one wall. A pool at the bottom of the falls fed a stream that trickled into the darkness.
Mrs. Patch led us around the pool. A damp stone ledge went all the way along the edge to the waterfall. When she got near the waterfall she raised her umbrella. Wolfgang raised his. Hester raised hers.
"Aren't you going to put your umbrella up?" asked Hester.
"Not yet," I said.
Mrs. Patch walked straight through the waterfall and disappeared. Wolfgang and Hester followed her.
I raised my ridiculous umbrella. I heard the battering of the water for a moment. Then I found myself in a cozy stone room. It had a fireplace, a low table, a cupboard, a sofa, two easy chairs, and a rocking chair. Next to the fireplace it had a woodburning stove. A woodpile stood against the right wall. An oval rug made the floor look civilized.
Hester was giggling.
"What's so funny?" I asked.
"That's the most ridiculous umbrella I've ever seen," she said.
"You don't have to rub it in," I said.
"Don't be so sensitive," she said.
I folded the umbrella and leaned it against a wall.
"Natural draft in here," said Wolfgang. "Ideal for a woodburning stove."
Mrs. Patch filled a kettle at the waterfall and put it on the stove. She put tinder and logs inside and lit a fire. She took teacups and saucers out of the cupboard and put them on the low table in front of the sofa. "Anyone prefer a mug?" she asked.
"I do," said Hester.
Mrs. Patch put back one cup and saucer. She put a mug on the table instead. She took a package of Oreos out of the cupboard too, and a package of Hydrox cookies. "I like variety," she said.
Wolfgang sat in the rocking chair. Hester and I took opposite ends of the sofa, with a big space between us.
"Spearmint tea won't keep you awake," said Mrs. Patch. "No caffein!"
Caffein was not the main thing keeping me awake these nights.
"So how do we save the world?" I asked.
"It's bad manners to talk business over tea," said Wolfgang. "At least at first. You're supposed to make polite conversation to begin with. Then, if it's absolutely necessary, you can work your way around to business."
"I'd say it's necessary," I replied. "Giant monsters taking over the world!"
"These things always seem less urgent once you've had a cup of tea," said Mrs. Patch.
"What about the snakes?" I asked. "Have you figured out a way to get rid of them?"
"Not yet," said Mrs. Patch. "We're working on it, though."
"And all the time the snakes are moving farther from the point where the aliens released them. Every minute it becomes less likely that we'll get them all back!"
"Settle down, child," said Mrs. Patch. "You'll give yourself an ulcer."
"And another thing," I said. "What's to stop the aliens from kidnapping Brian again? They know where we live now. They could be there right this minute."
"I've taken care of that," said Mrs. Patch. "I've sent a couple of fourth-stagers to keep an eye on the place. They're hiding in the swimming pool in your backyard."
"Fourth-stagers?" I said.
"Didn't Baby explain? Our younglings pass through several stages. In the fourth stage, they look exactly like alligators."
22
The kettle started whistling. Mrs. Patch poured water into a brown teapot and swished it around. "Always warm the pot," she said. She emptied the water into the falls. She took a box from the cupboard and shook something out of it into the pot. She poured boiling water on top of it. She put the lid on the pot and set the pot on the table.
"When I saw how the aliens reacted to Juanita Iguana," she said, "I realized that I had underestimated their fear of lizards. I reasoned that fourth-stagers would make ideal guards for your brother Brian."
"What if Aunt Speed goes out for a swim?" I asked.
"Don't worry," said Mrs. Patch. "Fourth-stagers just look like alligators. They would never eat a human."
"Nice weather we've been having lately," said Wolfgang.
"What?" said Hester.
"Polite conversation. Remember?"
"A bit too cold in Southern Australia," said Mrs. Patch.
"Oh, I don't mind the cold," said Wolfgang. "It makes the woodburning stoves seem so much cozier."
Polite conversation was not my idea of the best way to save the world--or even to drive the snakes out of Ireland.
"What about that plan you mentioned?" I said. "Does it involve the alligators?"
"As a matter of fact, it does," said Mrs. Patch. "Do you take sugar or honey?"
"Nothing, thanks," I said.
"Hester?"
"I'll have sugar in mine," she said.
"Sorry I can't offer cream," said Mrs. Patch. "The farmers don't bother to leave it out for us any more. Very inconsiderate of them. Have a cookie."
"Thank you," said Hester.
Mrs. Patch poured each of us a cup of tea. "I like to dunk the Hydrox cookies, but I like the Oreos better dry. It pays to have a variety."
"Nice weather in Iowa this year," said Wolfgang.
"Too much thunder for me," said Mrs. Patch. "I'll stick to Ireland, thank you very much."
"I like a nice clap of thunder every once in a while," said Wolfgang. "Helps me relax."
"Your father used to like thunder," said Mrs. Patch. "Hated lightning, though."
"Why didn't he keep his eyes closed?"
"He claimed he could still see the flash--right through his eyelids."
"Why didn't he wear blinders?"
"They made his eyebrows sweat."
"Nice weather in Kansas this time of year," said Wolfgang.
"Tornadoes make me nervous," said Mrs. Patch.
"How about California?" asked Wolfgang. "Nice weather there."
"Too many earthquakes. Have another cookie, Hester. Timo's had three already."
"Volcano erupted in Washington last week," said Wolfgang.
"Now that's a disaster I've always enjoyed," said Mrs. Patch. "An active volcano. Lava flowing. Molten rock makes me feel young again."
"I've never really liked volcanoes," said Wolfgang.
"There's no accounting for tastes," said Mrs. Patch.
"I can take them or leave them," said Wolfgang.
"Have another cookie," said Mrs. Patch. "Would anybody like another cup of tea?"
"No thanks," said Hester.
"Not for me," said Wolfgang.
"Timo?"
"What about the alligators?" I wanted to hear her plan.
"Oh," she said," they'll have theirs when they go off duty. Never drink spearmint tea in a swimming pool."
"A rule to live by," said Wolfgang.
"Don't forget to brush your teeth," said Mrs. Patch. "You can use my baking soda."
"Don't you have toothpaste?" asked Hester.
"Certainly not," said Mrs. Patch. "Baking soda's better. But if you don't like baking soda, you can always use salt."
"Salt is fine," said Wolfgang.
"Salt is almost as good as baking soda," said Mrs. Patch.
Wolfgang and his mother got toothbrushes and baking soda out of the cupboard. They went over to the waterfall and brushed their teeth.
"What's the matter?" said Wolfgang. "Didn't you bring a toothbrush?"
"Nope," said Hester.
"Me neither," I said.
"Always carry a toothbrush," said Mrs. Patch. "You never know when you'll have to eat something."
She put away her toothbrush.
"So. We have a real problem. We can't get down to business until you two brush your teeth. Baby. You go straight on over to Camp Kittiwake and pick up their brushes. You know where to find them?"
"How come I have to do everything?"
By the time Wolfgang stopped whining and went for the brushes, Hester was asleep on the sofa. I moved to an easy chair to give her room. Mrs. Patch put another log in the stove.
"Want to listen to the radio?" she asked me.
"I don't see why you can't tell me your plan," I said. "Wolfgang's already heard it."
"Civilized people do things a certain way," she said. "They don't talk business till they brush their teeth."
23
We brushed our teeth. It had taken Wolfgang a long time to bring the brushes. He couldn't find my locker at the camp. He had to go all the way back to my house. With instantaneous teleportation, it doesn't matter how far you go. But once you get there, you're no faster than anybody else. At my house, Wolfgang couldn't figure out how to distinguish my toothbrush from the others. Since I only own one toothbrush and I had taken that one to camp, it didn't surprise me to hear that Wolfgang couldn't detect which brush in the bathroom at home resembled my personality more than the others did.
Eventually Wolfgang went to an all night drugstore and bought me a Doctor Bill's Deluxe Economy Child's Toothbrush. I never use a child's toothbrush. I don't think I ever did use a child's toothbrush. It measured three inches from end to end. It had about four bristles.
"Do I look like a child to you?" I said. "Don't answer that."
And Wolfgang said: "It cost half as much as the other ones. Only 89 cents."
Mrs. Patch said: "Use plenty of baking soda, now. Or would you prefer salt? I sometimes use salt for variety."
I used baking soda and so did Hester.
"Still have my original teeth," said Mrs. Patch. "At my age! Imagine!"
Hester was blinking and stumbling around the way some people do when they first get up in the morning. When we finished brushing, she went back to stretch out on the couch again. I sat in the easy chair and said nothing. I was determined to keep my mouth shut until Mrs. Patch told us her plan.
"Don't you want to hear my plan?" she said. "Well, you sure don't act as if you do."
I said nothing.
"In my day, children had a little more enthusiasm," she said.
I nodded.
"Now you see what I have to contend with," said Wolfgang.
"I'm going to tell you about it anyway. A little bird told me that the aliens might reconsider their decision to take over the planet earth."
"A little bird?" I asked.
"Right. According to the intelligence reports of this bird, the bugbears have begun to think that a clever band of alligators is really running this planet."
"Are you sure you don't mean a bug?" I asked.
"A bird. The aliens believe that these clever alligators trained one of you monkeys to imitate the language of people. I presume that you are the monkey in question."
I didn't like being called a monkey, but I nodded anyhow. I didn't want to stop her now that she was telling me her plan.
"Does anybody want more tea?" asked Wolfgang. We all ignored him. "I'll put the kettle on to boil," he said. "Just in case."
Mrs. Patch continued. "Now if the alligators are the dominant species, and not the mosquitos or foxes, as they had formerly supposed, they couldn't rely on any of their strategies. Mostly they had formulated anti-mosquito strategies, with a few anti-monkey and anti-vermin ideas thrown in for good riddance."
"You mean for good measure," said Hester.
"I say what I mean and I mean what I say. O.K.--I'm going to tell you my plan on a need-to-know basis. I'm only going to tell you what you need to know. All you need to know now is to do what you're told. See you tomorrow night."
"That's the plan?" I couldn't believe it. "That's what I waited all night long for? That's what I brushed my teeth to hear?"
"You'll find out everything you need to know. All in good time. But now you have to get back to bed. Children your age need their rest!"
I'd rather be called a monkey than a child. I was getting too old for the old do-what-you're-told-and-don't-ask-questions technique. "If you don't tell me the whole plan right this minute," I said, "I'm going to fly over to my father's hotel and tell him all about it."
"He won't believe you," said Wolfgang.
"He will if I demonstrate levitation!"
"He doesn't even have security clearance," said Wolfgang.
"I'll vouch for him," I replied.
"Besides, you didn't bring you hazel fork," Wolfgang smirked. He thought he had me.
"You can use mine," said Hester.
The kettle started whistling. "I'll get it," said Wolfgang. "Anybody want more cookies while I'm up?"
Hester rolled her eyeballs.
"I like a monkey with a little spunk," said Mrs. Patch.
"I wish you'd stop calling us monkeys," I said.
"Only a manner of speaking. No offense intended. I'll have a little of that." Of what? Oh. She meant the tea.
"Don't worry, I'm making a whole pot," said Wolfgang. "You can always drink it at room temperature."
"True," said Mrs. Patch. "Spearmint tea tastes good at any temperature."
"Can we please get on with it?" I said.
"Certainly, certainly. By all means. Since you won't cooperate unless you hear the whole plan, you obviously need to know everything. Notice that I'm not going back on my word."
"Oh for goodness' sake!" said Hester.
"Precisely. For the sake of goodness one must never go back on one's word. But I said I'd tell you as soon as you needed to know. And now you need to know."
Wolfgang poured his mother a cup of tea.
"Thank you, dear," she said. "It's a little weak. You ought to let it steep for a few minutes."
"Quit stalling," I said.
"Timo!" said Wolfgang. "Is that any way to speak to an elder."
"Sorry," I said. "But it's frustrating."
"I don't see why," said Wolfgang. "I'm not the least bit frustrated."
"You've already heard the plan," said Hester.
"True," said Wolfgang. "But what does that have to do with it?"
"Just like his father," said Mrs. Patch. Can't put two and two together!"
"Mrs. Patch," said Hester, "we're waiting!"
"It's not easy to come up with a good plan when you're totally opposed to violence," said Mrs. Patch. "I hope you won't judge the following plan too harshly." She cleared her throat. "We want you to act in a little play. We're putting it on for the benefit of the bugbears."
24
After Mrs. Patch told us her plan and we agreed to cooperate, Wolfgang took us back to camp. I slept soundly until I heard the counselor's bell the next morning.
I enjoyed breakfast. Someone had taken care of the food shortage. I ate seven sausages, three eggs (over easy), four slices of french toast with maple syrup, two slices of regular toast to dip in the yolks of the eggs, a glass of grapefruit juice, and sixteen ounces of coffee. I especially liked the coffee. I'm not allowed to drink it at home. I put in a good bit of cream and five spoons of sugar. That may sound like a lot of sugar, but it's not really. The usual coffee cup only holds four ounces. If you use a heaping spoonful for a cup, you should logically use five level spoons for a sixteen-ounce mug.
That day the counsellors were supposedly teaching the boys how to develop color negatives and slides. Since the camp only had darkroom facilities for black-and-white, we sat there listening to a boring explanation without a chance to try any of the techniques.
Hester came over from the girls' part of the camp. The girls were learning how to use a light meter. Hester already knew how to use a light meter.
First chance we got, Hester and I snuck away to the darkroom. I had made a few suggestions when Mrs. Patch was telling us her plan, and she told me to go ahead with my ideas.
Hester and I made prints from the photographs I had taken of the bugbears. We made a great many small ones and a few enlargements--some big enough to put behind glass and keep on a desk, some as big as posters. Then we made poster-size prints of each quarter of a negative. Put the four posters together, they'd cover a wall and make the bugbears slightly larger than life.
This project took us most of the afternoon. I don't think Delmore bothered to look for us. He enjoyed our absence. The other kids didn't know much, so they couldn't argue when he made a mistake. Hester and I were always catching his errors and contradicting him.
Lester and Chuck saw us coming out of the darkroom. They made kissing noises; Hester and I ignored them. They were pathetically unoriginal. Even Brian had more imagination than they did.
After dinner we usually had a chance to see a movie and amateur hour in the auditorium. The auditorium was just a big open room. For movies the staff set up folding chairs. On nights when we had no movie or amateur hour scheduled, we would set up ping-pong tables and have a tournament.
Before the movie a counselor had to stand in front of the screen and try to make it educational. That night Delmore was babbling about cinematography and camera angles for about half an hour. He called the film "one of the masterpieces of the silent era." When the film finally came on the screen, the projector broke down. The projectionist got it fixed, and then spent the next half hour fiddling with the focus. One of the counselors played the piano to accompany the movie.
It was an early version of Frankenstein. I already knew the story. The actors did everything in an exaggerated way. The photography wasn't much good either. When I remembered Delmore's comments I thought of the taped introduction that a local station plays before it shows films. The words "Movie Classics" come on the screen, and a voice says "Each week the finest motion pictures come your way." Then they show some low-budget trash. Before and after every commercial, the words come back on the screen, to tell you that you're watching a Movie Classic.
After the movie, amateur hour started. Usually it lasted more than an hour. Some kids had brought instruments, and performed individually or in small bands. Others liked to put on little skits making fun of the counselors. Watching these skits made me remember that I had to act in a far more important but no less ridiculous play. Tonight, though, I was supposed to meet Hester and fly to my house, where the alligators in the swimming pool were guarding my brother Brian. We were going to meet the alligators, Alvin and Farraday, who had already agreed to star in the play. Wolfgang said he had better things to do, so Hester and I were going alone.
I left the auditorium before amateur hour ended. I wanted to get some rest. I met Hester at midnight in the stone circle. The moon looked reliable. I couldn't see any clouds.
I led the way to my house, as the crow flies. I don't usually go the way the crow flies. I got lost. I didn't, of course, admit it.
"This is taking an awful long time," said Hester.
"I'm taking a long cut," I said. "The scenic route."
Then I saw something I recognized--The State Correctional Facility for Female Juvenile Offenders, better known as the reformatory. I followed the roads from there. I left the crow flying to the crows.
When we got to my home, I snuck inside to check on Brian. He was snoring away, perfectly safe. Hester and I went around back to the swimming pool.
I don't know what I had expected. Small alligators, I suppose. Cute-looking things that would remind my little sister of a stuffed animal.
In the pool I saw two full-grown alligators. They didn't stand on their hind legs and use their front paws for hands. They slithered on their bellies.
We have one of those inflatable pools that little kids like. Brian and I sit down in it sometimes, and my father even comes out once in a while, but it's not really deep enough for anyone but my sister.
One of the alligators yawned. TEETH! A long mouthful of pointy teeth! When it closed its trap, the upper teeth hung over its lower lip. "About time," it said.
"Pay no attention to Farraday's impatience," said the other alligator. "She wants everything to happen fast. Otherwise she tends to fall asleep."
"I don't see why we can't do it tonight," said Farraday. She yawned again.
"The elders want us all to get to know each other first," said Alvin.
"What for?" said Farraday. "We're not getting married. We don't expect to see these people again. We put on the play and save the world. Simple. Then goodbye humans and back to Florida."
"What if the play gets good reviews?" I asked.
"What?" said Alvin.
"They'll want us on Broadway. It may run for years."
"Oh," said Farraday. "A feeble attempt at wit. Save it for the other monkeys."
"Farrah!" said Alvin. "Show a little hospitality!" Then he turned to us and said, "Care for a swim?"
"Oh, no thanks," said Hester.
"It is a bit chilly," said Alvin.
"Can I offer you anything?" I asked. "After all, I'm the one who lives here. I should be the host."
"Oh, no," said Alvin. "That's all right."
"Speak for yourself," said Farraday. "I could use a little caviar."
"I'm afraid we don't have any caviar," I said.
"How do you know?" said Farraday. "You didn't even look."
"We never buy caviar," I said.
"Oh, all right," said Farraday. "Any kind of fish eggs will do."
"I'm afraid we don't have any kind of fish eggs."
"Turtle eggs then."
I shook my head.
"No turtle eggs either?" said Farraday.
"How about a can of chili?" I said.
Farraday shuddered.
"How about hen's eggs? asked Hester.
"You have hen's eggs? Why didn't you say so! A gourmet's delight! An alligator's dream dinner! Wait till I tell the kids at home!"
Alvin sneezed.
"Gesundheit," said Hester.
"Thank you," said Alvin. "I think I'm coming down with something."
Next Section of Brian's Story.