TIMO

29

For those of you who have never acted in a play, I should explain that it's supposed to be bad luck to wish an actor good luck. Mrs. Patch didn't want anyone to break a leg. She wanted us to knock 'em dead--in the non-violent sense, of course. She wanted us to dazzle them with our Thespian brilliance. She wanted us to save the planet earth with our performance.

One big problem for wisedome actors is that they insist on telling the truth. Since wisedomes never lie, Alvin could never play the part of Abraham Lincoln. Farraday could never impersonate Martha Washington. Because wisedomes are so fanatical about telling the truth, they can never play anyone but themselves.

We all had to make up our lines as we went along. Mrs. Patch had given us a detailed scenario. We had to figure out a way to stick to it. We wanted to fool the bugbears by telling the truth. Maybe not the whole truth, but certainly nothing but the truth.

Mrs. Patch had, of course, told us how the aliens would react. She had to imagine their reaction to invent the scenario. But we didn't know if the bugbears would do us the favor of following the script.

We made our way back through the waterfall on foot.

The wisedomes had taken down the volleyball net in the great chamber of their underground headquarters. Animals from all over the world wandered in the open space, prevented from hurting others by a wisedome force-field, but otherwise quite free. I saw several grizzly bears, the only land animal comparable to a bugbear in size and deportment. I also saw brown bears, black bears, polar bears, and hornets; pandas, koalas, kangaroos, and platypusses; armadillos, anteaters, coatimundies, kookaburras; penguins, turtles, gorillas, gibbons; jackels, hyenas, leopards and cheetahs; dragonflies, hummingbirds, bats, and mantises; grasshoppers, locusts, centipedes and millipedes; pheasants, gerbils, ducks and hamsters; guinea pigs, lorises, sloths and termites. And so far I've only mentioned the animals I saw in the first thirty seconds.

Somewhere in the great cave an elephant blew its trumpet. An ox bellowed. Birds made jungle noises. My clothes began to flap. A whirlwind appeared among the mirrors. This time, when the circle of foxes stopped, three aliens were standing in our midst.

After a moment, I recognized them: Nose-blower, Neck-scratcher, and Pipe-smoker. As usual, Pipe-smoker took charge. "You can't do this," he said.

"Wrong," said Alvin in the bugbear tongue. "We have done it. Therefore it makes no sense to say we can't do it."

The bugbears looked around. They were acting cool, but they couldn't entirely suppress a certain twitchiness. They were nervous, all right. The photographs and mirrors gave them a scare. According to what a little bird told Mrs. Patch, bugbears have a strong taboo against seeing their own image. They also seemed to believe that the owner of an image had some magic power over the person depicted by the image.

Considering how Juanita Iguana had caused such a panic earlier, the aliens were showing remarkable self-control. Look at it from their point of view. Suddenly you find yourself in a cavern full of wild animals. The animals that seem to be in charge are the ones you fear the most--alligators a hundred times the size of an iguana.

And one of the alligators says to you: "Have a seat."

"Have a seat," said Farraday. "Make yourself comfortable."

"We won't eat you right away." said Alvin.

"I'm hardly hungry at all," said Farraday. "I won't want to eat anything until maybe an hour from now.

They were using the alien's own technique--the power of suggestion. The alligators never said they'd eat the aliens. But the way they didn't say so gave even me a chill. And I knew very well that they were both dedicated vegetarians, if you don't count an occasional fish.

We had set up a few lawn chairs made of aluminum and skillfully woven plastic. The aliens sat down in them and tried to act nonchalant.

"It may interest you to know," said Alvin, "that we admire your technology." This was true. Wisedomes are great admirers of technology, and they have a special interest in star ships.

"It would be a shame to eat such intelligent creatures," said Farraday.

"But some things are unavoidable," said Alvin.

I had to admire the way they kept telling the truth. After all, some things are unavoidable.

"Would you care for some spearmint tea?" said Farraday. "I'll have one of my servants fetch it." And without waiting for our answer, she said: "You!"

Mrs Patch came running up.

"Fetch our guests some spearmint tea."

"Yes, ma'am," said Mrs. Patch.

Maybe you're wondering how Farraday could refer to Mrs. Patch as one of her servants. I wondered the same thing. Later, I asked Wolfgang.

"What's the Pope's motto?" he asked.

"How should I know?"

"Servant of the servants of God. Our elders have a similar motto. Servants of the servants of earth."

The way Mrs. Patch obeyed Farraday startled the bugbears too. "But I thought--" said Neck-scratcher.

"We presumed--" said Nose-blower.

"You thought these fox people were the rulers of the planet?" asked Alvin.

"Some thought mosquitos," said Pipe-smoker.

"What an idea!" said Farraday.

"I hope you realize now that we are the ruling species," said Alvin. "The most intelligent and the most handsome of all earthlings!"

I could see that the bugbears didn't like what Alvin was telling them. They had considered insects and small furry creatures their greatest enemies on earth. Now they were beginning to believe that the giant reptiles were far more formidable. They could dismiss the wisedomes scornfully. But the possibility of a race of master alligators made them squirm in their lawn chairs.

"We are the dominant species," said Farraday. "But we consider all the other intelligent creatures our brothers and sisters."

"What intelligent creatures?" asked Pipe-smoker.

"Look around you," said Alvin. "All these beings are intelligent."

The bugbears' narrow-mindedness put them at a disadvantage. By their way of thinking, no creatures but bugbears deserved to be called intelligent. Now an articulate alligator was claiming that thousands of earth creatures had brains. The wisedomes consider all animals intelligent--to a greater or lesser extent. Their broad-mindedness helped them to confuse the aliens.

"Tea time!" cried Mrs. Patch in English. She wheeled a little cart in front of her. On it was a large teapot and a dozen cups.

"Rest easy," said Farraday. "We never eat meat at tea time."

Mrs. Patch poured. She gave the aliens cups and saucers. She gave the alligators saucers without cups. She poured tea into their saucers and placed them on the floor. She gave Meeko a saucer of tea also. She gave Hester and me cups without saucers. Two chimpanzees, an orangutan and a gorilla came over to see what we were doing. She gave the apes cups without saucers. They watched Hester and me and imitated us.

"Anyone want milk?" asked Mrs. Patch.

Meeko barked once.

"You like milk better than tea?"

Meeko barked once more.

Mrs. Patch gave him a saucer of milk. He lapped it up.

"What about Juanita?" said Mrs. Patch.

"No thanks," said Hester. "She's not thirsty."

The bugbears were trying to drink their tea. They were shaking so much that when they put their cups down on their saucers, the china kept rattling.

"You don't scare me," said Neck-scratcher.

I was inspired to do my excellent imitation of Meeko's bark.

Neck-scratcher jumped in his seat when I did it, and dropped his tea.

"Down boy," said Alvin.

30

"Nothing like a nice cup of tea to calm the nerves," said Farraday.

When Meeko heard the word nice, he growled.

"I couldn't agree with you more," I said in the bugbear tongue.

"I told you the monkeys could speak our language," said Nose-blower.

"Nonsense!" said Neck-scratcher. "Some kind of trick."

"And the dog said something in dog language and the monkey understood it," said Nose-blower. "I told you dogs were intelligent, but you wouldn't believe me."

"Sometimes you say they are, sometimes you say they're not. That way you're right no matter what," said Neck-scratcher.

"You think you know all the answers. Earthlings have no intelligence, you say. We scientists examine the facts! We admit when we're wrong!"

"Darling!" said Pipe-smoker. "Calm down!"

"But the military mind knows all the answers ahead of time," said Nose-blower.

"Put a bag on it," said Alvin. "Let's get down to business."

"Somehow," said Farraday wistfully, "a saucer of tea by itself is not enough. I could use a bite to eat."

"Now Farraday," said Alvin. "We agreed not to eat our guests."

"But I'm hungry," said Farraday.

"You can wait a little while," said Alvin. He turned to Pipe-smoker, "As I said before, we have the greatest admiration for the accomplishments of your people. We have decided to invite you to come and live among us. Settle on the planet earth and live in harmony with us here!"

"We ought to warn you," said Farraday, "that some of our fellow earthlings have little control over their appetites. Brother Grizzly, for instance, is used to getting his way. Sister Gorilla gets frustrated if you contradict her. You bugbears are tall, but compared to Brother Grizzly and Sister Gorilla, you're quite puny."

"With our technology we could wipe them out," shouted Neck-scratcher.

The gorilla dropped her tea cup and glared at him. Gorillas really know how to glare.

"No offense," he said.

"I'm sure intelligent creatures like you can work something out," said Farraday. "I wonder about the humans, though."

"The monkeys?" said Pipe-smoker. "What about them?"

"Well, they consider you big and strong."

"We are big and strong," said Neck-scratcher.

"Humans often like to serve big creatures," said Farraday.

"Yes," said Nose-blower. "One of them worked for me a while ago."

"What about your mother, Timo?" Farraday asked. "Does she ever serve big creatures?"

Mrs. Patch had coached me well. "Oh all the time," I said. "Last month she served steak and roast beef. They both come from the steer, a large bovine animal. She also served ham, bacon and pork chops. They all come from a large porcine animal. Sometimes she serves turkey. That's a large bird."

It took the bugbears a moment to see what Farraday meant when she said that humans like to serve large creatures.

"I've heard," said Alvin in English, "That some humans are great hunters."

"Oh, for sure," said Hester. "I know this guy who goes out every year to shoot moose and elk."

"A moose is quite a bit bigger than a bugbear, isn't it?" said Alvin.

"Oh, for sure," said Hester.

I remembered something I had read about the old west. "Humans have wiped out whole species of large animals," I said. "The bison of the old west are almost extinct."

"The elephant and the white rhino aren't doing too well either," said Hester.

"Wouldn't it be sad if the bugbears were wiped out," said Alvin.

"Oh, we've learned our lesson," I said. "Moderation in all things!" My uncle sometimes repeats this saying, and it seemed appropriate.

"You see?" said Alvin to Pipe-smoker. "There's no problem after all. The creatures of earth live in harmony. Even the humans agree to slaughter moderately. You aliens are welcome to move in whenever you like."

"Shouldn't we mention cheetahs?" said Farraday. "They can run 65 miles an hour."

"I'm sure our friends have ways of dealing with cheetahs," said Alvin.

"We'll run them down!" said Neck-scratcher.

"That's the spirit!" said Alvin. "Physical Fitness!"

"No," said Nose-blower. "He means we'll run them down with our spacecraft."

"Oh, excuse me," said Alvin. "But if you want to live here, you'll have to give up flying saucers."

"What do you mean, give them up?"

"Unfair advantage," said Farraday. "The foxpeople will have to confiscate them with their orange bubbles."

"Nonsense!" said Neck-scratcher. "Double Nonsense! Triple Nonsense! No animal can overcome a bugbear!"

"Why not?" asked Alvin.

"Only bugbears have true intelligence."

"How can you tell?" asked Alvin.

"Have you ever heard of an animal who could play a decent game of darts?" said Neck-scratcher. He meant bugbear darts, the alien equivalent of chess.

"As it happens," said Farraday, "My servant plays darts."

"Impossible!" said Neck-scratcher.

"I challenge you to a game," said Mrs. Patch.

31

"What's going on?" said Hester. She could only understand English and most of the time we were speaking the language of the aliens.

"A duel," I said. "One of ours against one of theirs in a game of alien darts."

"That's not in the script!" said Hester.

"Forget it," said Neck-scratcher. "I'm the planetary grand master. I never miss. You wouldn't have a chance--even if you were intelligent."

"I'm only a beginner," said Mrs. Patch, "but since fox people are far more intelligent than bugbears, I shouldn't have much trouble."

Neck-scratcher blew all the air out of his lungs in one incredulous snort. "You asked for it," he said.

Mrs. Patch hung the dart board in front of the giant poster of the bugbears.

"I protest," said Pipe-smoker. "She's trying to provoke us!"

"Well, if you never miss, what difference does it make?"

"What if you miss?" asked Nose-blower.

"All right," said Mrs. Patch. "Timo: Hester! Drag a lawn chair over here. Take the posters down and pile them on the lawn chairs."

We did what she told us to do. Neck-scratcher had stood up to do some stretching exercises. We used his chair.

There are two boards in bugbear darts--one between the players to keep track of the moves, and one on the wall. The one between the players has many carved figures on it, like a chess board. But the figures move in complicated ways. None goes straight anywhere. All of them have to zig-zag. The board is crazy too. It doesn't have squares like a chess board--its squares are irregular, and follow no pattern I can see.

The board on the wall has two sections. One section has a separate target for each piece. The other section has a target for every possible combination of zig-zags.

In bugbear darts, you can't move the pieces on the game board until you hit the right targets on the dart board. If you want to capture your enemy's general with your own lieutenant, for example, you might call out: lieutenant zigs three to the left, zags four to the right, and captures enemy general. Then you'd have to hit the target marked lieutenant with your first dart, the target marked zig 3 with your second, and the target marked zag 4 with your third. With your fourth dart you'd have to hit the target marked general. Then you could move your lieutenant on the game board and take your opponent's general.

If you hit the wrong targets, you had to move your pieces wherever the dart board said. Players started out about 9 feet away from the dartboard. Any player who wanted to move farther away from the board could do so--in the next turn the other player would have to shoot from the same distance or from a greater distance.

"I'm glad we have such a roomy place to play," said Neck-scratcher.

"Care to make a little wager?" said Mrs. Patch.

"I never gamble," said Neck-scratcher.

"You agree, though," said Nose-blower, "that a victory at darts would be indisputable proof of intelligence?"

"Of course," said Neck-scratcher. "I'll be proving my own intelligence."

"Our earthling opponents ought to know," said Pipe-smoker, "That we cannot colonize a planet where we have found intelligent life."

"How very sad," said Alvin.

"Too late now," said Farraday. "but the humans will be so disappointed if you go. They're a hungry species. And many of them have devoted their lives to the study of bigfoot and flying saucers!"

"Yes," I said. "How to increase the food supply is one of the big problems of the human race. I was beginning to think that the aliens might help us with that problem." I gave Neck-scratcher a big smile.

I think Nose-blower wanted us to win. Pipe-smoker wouldn't mind looking for a less hungry planet. But Neck-scratcher continued to believe that the bugbears could conquer earth with their superior intelligence. "We have dealt with wild animals before," he said. You don't scare me."

A minah bird that had landed on the lawn chair with the posters repeated his words: "You don't scare me." Then it laughed like a maniac.

Mrs. Patch had invited some interesting animals to her play.

At first Mrs. Patch did well. The intellectual part of the game gave her no trouble at all. But Neck-scratcher kept backing up. At twenty feet, Mrs. Patch became slightly inaccurate. At thirty feet, she missed about one out of every eight shots. At forty feet she missed one out of every four. That meant, of course, that every move she made went wrong somehow. She'd hit the sergeant instead of the lieutenant, Zig 2 instead of Zig 1. In this game, three out of four is not good enough.

Neck-scratcher moved back to fifty feet.

Hester snuck her wand out of her belt and started giving Mrs. Patch a little help. At fifty feet, she hit every target she called out. Neck-scratcher missed one of his. She did it again. Neck-scratcher decided not to move back anymore. He slowed down a bit but this time he didn't miss.

I could tell that Mrs. Patch was getting a little suspicious of her own accuracy. The next time she threw, she noticed Hester's wand.

"Time out," she called. She went up nearby the dart board and had a cup of tea. When she was standing near Hester, she whispered out of the corner of her mouth: "Get rid of that wand."

"But it's not fair!"

"Give it to Timo." She knew I had never been able to make the wands work.

"It's not fair!"

"Hester!"

"Oh, all right."

Hester gave me her wand. Mrs. Patch went back to the game board.

The wisedomes have their ethics, and I have mine. It seems to me that they get stuck on technicalities. Neck-scratcher claimed that he was testing Mrs. Patch's intelligence. Yet she was going to lose the game because of her lack of strength, not because of her lack of brains. It seemed to me that Hester had been doing the right thing. She sent the darts where Mrs. Patch's intelligence wanted them to go. If she beat Neck-scratcher that way, it would be a true victory of one intellect over another.

Now Mrs. Patch started missing again.

Neck-scratcher didn't miss.

I cradled the wand in the crook of my arm, its business end pointed at the targets. The next time Mrs. Patch threw her darts, I intended to help them hit the target.

One missed anyway. Mrs. Patch was falling behind.

Luckily a goat started eating the posters. Goats will eat practically anything.

Neck-scratcher screamed and pointed. Nose-blower screamed. Pipe-smoker fainted.

"For goodness sake," said Mrs. Patch, and took the photographs away from the goat. "Look!" she said. "No harm done."

Nose-blower looked. "Poor Zilch!" she said. "Poor, poor Zilch!"

The goat had eaten Zilch. Actually the goat had only eaten Zilch's picture, but to a bugbear that's as bad as the real thing.

"There's nothing wrong with Zilch," I said.

"You don't understand," said Nose-blower. "Now we must act as if Zilch has been eaten. If Zilch talks to us we have to ignore him. If he stands in a doorway, we have to walk through him. Our laws cannot be disobeyed. Our ancient customs must be respected."

"Sounds like a lot of baloney to me," I said.

"I'm bored," said Farraday. "Can't we get on with the game?"

Neck-scratcher's arm was shaking as he raised his dart. He missed two out of four.

Mrs. Patch didn't miss.

Neck-scratcher seemed to have recovered a little of his composure. So I rewound the videotape. "Look," I said. "You're on T.V.!"

Poor bugbear! He'd had a hard night--being kidnapped by foxes, drinking tea with alligators, having to shield his eyes from mirrors, and now seeing himself on T.V.!

"Timo," said Mrs. Patch. "Turn that thing off. I apologize. Boys will be boys."

I think it shocked him even more to see himself turned off.

"Your turn," said Mrs. Patch cheerfully.

"Time out," said Neck-scratcher. He poured some tea, and drank it down in one gulp.

"I'm really starving," Farraday told him, "I never eat anyone alive during a game of darts. But I can hardly wait."

That time Neck-scratcher missed three out of four targets.

32

Now they were even again. In one move either one of them could win.

I was trying to help. Then I remembered what Wolfgang once told me. Don't try. Do it. If you really intend to do something you'll do it--provided it's within your power.

He told me all humans have the power of psychokinesis. They can only use the power if they believe in themselves.

I had to believe I could do it. I had to intend to do it. I had to quit trying, quit straining, quit striving to do it.

In short, I had to master the art of acting no act and minding no mind. And I had to flow like water and burn like flame. And I couldn't start later. I had to stop now.

Stop?

Yes! Stop distracting myself with a million worries. Stop asking: what if it doesn't work? Stop saying: who do you think you are?

I'm Timothy O'Brien and I can fly. What's so hard about psychokinesis? If Hester can do it, so can I. If Hester can do it, so can I. If Hester can do it, so can I.

I believe in equality.

All of a sudden, I let out a yell. I had perfect focus. I wasn't distracted. For once I was paying attention.

Mrs. Patch declared her move. She wouldn't miss.

She didn't miss.

We won.

"You win," said Pipe-smoker.

"It's not fair," said Neck-scratcher. "The monkey distracted me."

"Oh, stop sniveling," said Pipe-smoker. "We wouldn't have colonized this planet anyway. The natives are obviously intelligent."

"And hungry," said Farraday.

"And eager to serve," I said.

"We are a benevolent race," said Pipe-smoker. "We're really shy, retiring creatures when you get to know us. Don't let our gruff manners fool you."

"I have always believed," said Nose-blower, "in the possibility of intelligent life on other planets."

"I still say they cheated," said Neck-scratcher.

"And so," said Pipe-smoker, "if you'll just give us our photographs, we'll be on our way."

"Sure you don't want to settle here?" said Alvin. "You're welcome to stay."

"No, no, that's quite all right," said Pipe-smoker.

"Perhaps the Professor would like to stay a while and study us," said Alvin.

"I don't see why we can't have a little snack," said Farraday.

"Ah," said Nose-blower, "I have all the data I need in the ship's computers."

"Well then," said Alvin, "If we can't tempt you."

"What about our pictures?"

"Take them! Take them!" said Alvin.

And I said: "Don't worry. We can always make more."

I still hear stories about flying saucers. The wisedomes don't have much faith in them. Some people just imagine things, they say. But sometimes I wonder if the wisedomes have been taken in by bugbear deceit. Wolfgang doesn't mind if I tell my experiences with the aliens. But he has confiscated my negatives. I no longer have the evidence to back up my story. "No use causing a panic," he said, "now that the threat is over."

He's pretty sure the bugbears are gone for good. But the wisedomes won't take any chances. Their third-stagers will continue to live among the humans. "Besides," said Wolfgang, "they're no fun to live with at that stage."

After the crew of foxes took the bugbears back to their starship, Mrs. Patch said to us: "Bravo, children. A sterling performance!"

"Can I have something to eat now?" said Farraday.

"Let's all go over to my house for a cast party," I said.

"I don't think it would be wise for everybody to go," said Mrs. Patch. She meant that the grizzly bears and gorillas and so on might not know how to behave.

"Maybe you're right," I said, "only the stars then. Stars and friends of stars."

So Wolfgang, Hester, Meeko, Juanita, Farraday, Alvin, and I went straight to my house for a quiet party. We had hen's eggs and vegetarian chili full of cashews and pistachio banana ice cream.

Mrs. Patch showed up after about half an hour. She had a little jar of caviar. "Do you have any tea in this house?" she asked.

"Only tea tea," I said. "Not spearmint or peppermint."

"On a night like tonight I'll risk it." said Mrs. Patch. I made us all a pot of tea.

Hester tried some caviar. "Ug," she said. "Here, Timo, you try it."

I tasted a little. "Too salty," I said.

"Don't eat any more," said Farraday. "It's a waste. Save it for someone who really enjoys it." She and Alvin finished off the jar.

When we finished the tea, Mrs. Patch reminded us all to brush our teeth. Meeko fell asleep on the living room rug.

And Aunt Speed snored in the bedroom.

And Brian snored upstairs.